The following is an email I received from a friend of mine who is currently a waitress in Florida--a job she hates in a state she loathes.
Yes, it is long, and YES, it is worth it because it is freakin' hysterical. And yes, it is R-rated, or probably should be.
Enjoy!
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make the beast with two backsing-A with the goddamned white trash, redneck, crackwhore, rotten toothed, “my house just got blowed away†mothermake the beast with two backsing clientele. Tonite, my table 13 was of that very persuasion. Consisting of 2 females and 2 males, the one female, let's call her Crack Whore Annie, why, it was her birthday. She looked to be around 50 or so, although I would imagine it was more likely the 37th celebration of her unfortunate birth. The teeth, oh sweet Jesus, or what was left of them, would make any dentist cringe and run dry heaving to the nearest receptacle. A space, or void, if you will, large enough to fit her entire inbred family encompassed the area between the two front teeth. Gums blackened, and I don't think it was from eating too many Good and Plenties ( I know all about that ). Take another hit off that pipe, sweetheart. It's sure to help. My God, she was about the ugliest woman I've ever seen. Her mother must have jacked off with the ugly stick on a regular basis while pregnant, jabbing her in the face repeatedly. It was almost physically painful to look at her, but like a horrific car accident I couldn't look away.
She should definitely stay away from any kind of taffy. Legs the circumference of a garden hose, with tits worthy of National Geographic-pendulous, and perhaps cracked and oozing poison nipple pus. Eyes the size of a Dixie plate, and her complexion made up of the stuff that might be on that plate-mashed potatoes, pulled pork and some sort of Jell-O mystery “salad†with miniature colored marshmallows. Her teeth were but the Cool Whip on the canned-fruit-cocktail-in-heavy-syrup parfait. One can only imagine what her breath was like. I didn't get close enough. I personally imagine her breath to be likened to rotting carrion. An armadillo hit by a motorcycle- not enough to flatten it completely, but enough to make the beast with two backs it up real bad while still leaving it relatively whole. In the desert. In the summer. About 4 days ago. Just long enough for it to decompose and boil and burst, viscera delivering up its tantalizing treats for all to smell. That mixed with a lifetime of Budweiser and chicken wings with lots of bleu cheese dressing. Probably Blue Cheese, actually, the cheap kind that's sweet in an unnatural way and has propylene glycol in it. But hey, who am I to judge? It was her birthday, and she was celebrating. Whore.
Now, the male human sitting across from her, let's call him Slug Tooth Joe, he is more than likely going to be my next boyfriend. His teeth were an exemplary model of what you don't ever want. Crooked as Grandma's arthritic fingers and brown as her age spots. They looked as though, should you dare to touch them, they would be soft. Like when you press a Brach's caramel with your finger, the dent just stays there. Perhaps he made them himself out of papier mache. (Like my teeth? I made 'em myself! You want I should make you a pair?) He kept spilling his beer. I admonished him somewhat, in my charming, joking manner-“Keep the liquid in the glass, wouldja?†To which he replied, “ But I was dancing!†Keep it up, Fred Astaire. Again, like the horrific car accident analogy used previously, I could only stare at his teeth. Couldn't look him in the eye. I was completely mesmerized by the lack of dental hygiene. A definite candidate for The Big Book of British Smiles, only the American Trailer Park edition.
As for the other two, the residual female seemed to be relatively normal. That is to say, I did not notice anything particularly grotesque about her anatomy, dental or otherwise. Her male counterpart, however, made a point to pour his beer (from the fresh, chilled glass mug I had brought him) into a plastic cup he had from another bar. Class, all the way.
After serving this wondrous group two pitchers of, you guessed it, Budweiser, I decided they were all cut off. They had been drinking all day, beer was spilled, and I was over the novelty of poor oral hygiene. They were all make the beast with two backsing loaded. Not in my section, you sister make the beast with two backsing trailer park assholes. Plus you have been tipping me a dollar per pitcher at nine bucks a pop, which is what, oh let me do the math, just a hair over ten percent? A quarter a piece, suckass? Do I need to break that down for you? You want a make the beast with two backsing nickel back, asswipe?
Thank God they didn't ask for another pitcher, because it would have been denied, and problems may have ensued. They left of their own accord, however, when I went to bus the table, I noticed a wadded up chunk of paper towel soaked in blood. Nice. Nosebleed from too much meth? Gums bleeding from your mouth disintegrating? After bussing that table I needed to be scrubbed down like Karen Silkwood-wire brushes and heavy dienfectants. Dammit.
Ain't nothin' like working in a Honky Tonk bar in Florida, I tell you what.
it was CDC bikenight?
(just kidding guys...easy potshot opportunity...couldn't pass on it)
Quote from: Statler on November 09, 2008, 04:44:06 PM
it was CDC bikenight?
(just kidding guys...easy potshot opportunity...couldn't pass on it)
I was thinking the same thing and almost even posted a link over there but I didn't want to stir things up.
[laugh]
very nice.
i guess the sunshine state has more than just old folks, to spice things up.
Either your waitress friend is channeling Hunter S. Thompson or there's some real talent there
Personally, I think she's ridiculously talented. Or she might also be channeling Tom Robbins... [laugh] [clap]
That's a 'Best of Craigslist' entry right there. [laugh] Better have her post up.
"But hey, who am I to judge? It was her birthday, and she was celebrating. Whore." :)
"The Big Book of British Smiles. . .american trailer park edition."
That's priceless! Definitely a wasted talent.
We should invite her to guest insult DMF members as an alternative to short term bans!
"you sister make the beast with two backsing trailer park assholes"
^
My fav [laugh]
Her and 'tizzzy would make a bad ass debate team. 'Tizzz will completely break down the opponent then she can sweep in for the insulting kill. Suckers would be leaving in tears! :'( [laugh] [laugh] [laugh]
i'm glad she has somewhere to vent.
if she really hates it that much she should change jobs and/or move.
however, those people are everywhere. get used to them.
I wonder when she's going to reveal how she REALLY feels about people like this.
That was a work of art. Cranky art, but art nonetheless.
Quote from: KnightofNi on November 10, 2008, 08:00:13 AM
i'm glad she has somewhere to vent.
if she really hates it that much she should change jobs and/or move.
however, those people are everywhere. get used to them.
+1 on both counts. I try to tell her to find somethings she likes to do (I don't know, maybe WRITING) and move back to CA, but she insists on staying where she is because of a guy... Go figure. ;)
Quote from: River on November 10, 2008, 10:39:00 AM
+1 on both counts. I try to tell her to find somethings she likes to do (I don't know, maybe WRITING) and move back to CA, but she insists on staying where she is because of a guy... Go figure. ;)
make the beast with two backsin' brilliant! I laughed so hard....I could hardly see through all the tears!!!! [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup]
My Wife and I are rolling on the floor! That was piss funny! [thumbsup]
LMAO!
that was good stuff [thumbsup]
Those clients did her a huge favor!
Can you think of a better motivator to go back to/stay in school! Menial minimum wage jobs, humping shingles up a 32 foot ladder in 90 degree heat, waiting tables in a juke joint or flipping burgers all SUCK!! Makes one get creative about making more $$ and not having to put up with such crap!!