The 2009 bulwer-lytton bad literature contest results will be posted in a few weeks.
Meanwhile, here is the link to the 2008 'winners'; http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm (http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm)
As Kevin thumbed through the thick pages of the ancient manuscript lately found deep in the bowels of the Enzo family library in Castellino, with its depictions and detailed woodcuts of the morbid crimes committed during the Spanish Inquisition, he couldn't help but marvel at the serene faces of the Florentine martyrs (Italians are so much tougher than they look!) and thought that his own expression would differ slightly if he were being sawn in half using the crack of his butt as a straight-line.
Gripping his terrified victim by her sensual slender neck with his foul piercing talons like a lawnspiker, Igor the Terrible bellowed, "How do you want to die? over the coals? with a plastic bag over your head? with your blond hair seeped in red blood? in agony? today? tomorrow? -- hurry up, please, my fingers are getting sore."
Holy Jesus, that took skill to write THAT badly...
Here's a list of grand prize "winners" from 1983 to 2007:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm)
I especially liked the 1991 champ:
"Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it."
Reminds of those Spam Emails you get :P