Howdy, all. I need your help & advice.
I need advice or book recommendations or whatever on how to help a close friend with a fast moving, probably terminal illness.
Back in the Spring, I mentioned in TOSAT that my next door neighbor & riding buddy Tom had been diagnosed with very advanced cancer of the esophagus. People I talked to who had been close to that disease in the past told us to expect to say goodbye within a month or two; Tom's a real contrary fellow though, and fought through a long round of chemo -- up until a couple of weeks ago, it'd be hard to tell how sick he is.
He even felt up to a motorcycle trip from here in Central Arizona out to his 40 year high school reunion in Illinois. They made it out, but between Tom's growing weakness & his riding partner's sudden loss of feeling in his left hand, they left the bikes behind in Illinois and got on an airplane for Arizona.
But last week he got the news that the first round of chemotherapy hasn't really dented the cancer, which had spread to his liver & lymph system. He's started even more aggressive round of chemotherapy. I just got back from his house -- I went over to help him download his photos from the trip, which he hasn't had the energy to do since he got home, and he looks on the outside like the constant pain and wasting he's feeling inside -- until I saw him today, I probably wouldn't have thought he had more than a bad cough.
As I mentioned last Spring, it's pretty impossible not to like Tom. He's the smoothest rider I've ever tried to follow, and has great stories & a droll Midwesterner's (spiced by a bunch of years in Austin, TX) way of telling them -- like the time he and a friend were laid up after moto crashes with a broken wrist & broken leg, respectively, until they discovered that they could ride two-up with one running the hand controls and the other shifting. I got to see my first flat track race earlier this year with Tom, who's a huge, longtime flat track fan and spent a whole lot of time at the Springfield Mile. He's got a mid-70s Norton Commando 850 in the garage awaiting a restoration that looks increasingly unlikely to happen under his watch. Of all the things the cancer and chemo have taken from him, he still has a long full beard, just like the last time we rolled down the hill for breakfast at the Skull Valley Cafe.
(http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4114/4883781970_ef69c57894_z.jpg)
We're doing what we can, bringing over food he likes & walking their dog every evening, but it doesn't feel like nearly enough. If you've been through this before, what can we be doing to help Tom and his partner Johanna?
I'm rambling now, but I can't stop without sharing one of Tom's favorite songs, one that Ann-Marie keeps asking me to learn on his behalf -- Robert Earl Keen's "The Road Goes on Forever (And The Party Never Ends)"
The Road Goes on Forever by Robert Earl Keen Jr (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWzIikLDmyw#normal)
Sorry to hear.
I am in the same boat with a very close friend who just turned 35... lung & liver for him though. I am looking forward to hearing some advice as well.
mitt
Not so much for him, but it might be good for you in the time coming...
http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268804065&sr=8-1 (http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268804065&sr=8-1)
I'm sorry for him and I say it's always ok to hope for a miracle.
Don't wait for him to ask for your help and care (sounds like you already have that covered)
Having lost my younger sister to pancreatic cancer about 8 years ago, I can tell you a few things.
1 Be there; be there to help when they need it. Sometimes, just having a friend around is a major spirit booster. your cooking and dog walking probably means more than you think.
2 Be your normal self. Don't burst into tears every time you see him, it's a constant reminder that he's going to die, but for make the beast with two backss sake, don't fake being overly cheerful either.
Basically, that's all I got, except for this; I made a personal decision after seeing the pain my sister went through. If I get cancer, at a certain point, I'm going to take myself out.
At work we had a guy named Bill Osburn who died of esophageal cancer
he came to work every day until he collapsed in the parking lot trying to get in his ambulance
guy told the most horrendously inappropriate jokes...
The show that everything was normal was what was important to him
dunno if your friend is the same kind of guy
but
all bill wanted was everybody to treat him the same as they always had.
Brad...
Tom is OK with where things are at.
He'd appreciate it if you could find that same spot. ;)
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Tom. Your post honored him beautifully.
I think you are doing exactly the right thing, being his friend and being there for him. Helping with the simple everyday things that most of us take for granted. Treating him like a human being.
((hugs)) to both of you.
Thanks, everyone. I sat with Tom and talked motorcycles for a while yesterday. In particular, we talked about the return of the AMA Pro Flat Track series to our town in Arizona on October 9-10, and how he wanted to set that as a goal.
Thanks again.
I'm sure there are books out there on what to do and scholars have discussed it; but if I were Tom, what I would want is a friend like you.
Quote from: akmnstr on August 12, 2010, 11:45:28 AM
I'm sure there are books out there on what to do and scholars have discussed it; but if were Tom, what I would want is a friend like you.
+1
Well put!
I hope you help him enjoy life to its fullest till the very end, whenever that may be. Most importantly a friend during times of need is a huge plus in my book.
I told my wife it something similar happened to me I'd be packing motos and off I go with a load of prescription drugs until I collapse.
i'm so sorry to hear of your sad news :(
just keep on doing what you're doing... being a great friend
I've been trying to think of something good to add without success, so I will borrow from akmnstr:
"what I would want is a friend like you."
In other words, you are already doing it, good on ya [thumbsup]
I've said goodbye to a close cancer victim. Be there, listen to them, talk to them. Share their thoughts about anything. Company is great for them, it makes them not feel forgotten or lost to a sickness.
JM
+1 to all of the above.
You're being a great friend.
God, I hope some day we find a cure for that awful shit called cancer.
QuoteGod, I hope some day we find a cure for that awful shit called cancer.
Amen, brother. What we now do as a treatment is just a crap shoot.
Sorry to hear about Tom but I'm quite sure that he appreciates having your friendship.
+1 on the finding a cure for the evil monster.
You're doing everything right. Just help out when he needs it with little stuff, and be there like you are now. The world needs more friends like you.