Ducati Monster Forum

As some of you may know I am going through a divorce. I am 33 she is 25 and the marriage lasted a little over two years.  It is a relatively clean divorce without any bad words either way. I let her have the Boxster which I have $3800 in total, a TV, and some of the house stuff. This was two months ago.

I have been exploring single life again which is good and bad. Ive been going out and having fun, having drinks at the bar with friends, more time to myself, ext...  I am lonely though and sometimes it gets to me.

I have an old friend that I ran into. We lost contact a few years before my marriage. She is extremely hot and knows it.  We have always just been close buddies but never anything more. We started hanging out again and picked up where we left off like nothing ever happened.  This coming weekend she managed to come up with some vip tickets for the NHRA finals in Dallas and I will be going with her.  I am staying with her tomorrow night (guest room) and we leave first thing Saturday morning.  Sunday we have my company picnic that I invited her too. 

Last night my ex calls me and begs me to come over because she needs to talk. I didn't want to go but I can't handle hearing her cry on the phone. I get there and she has dinner ready for me. She puts junior to bed and we begin to talk. She wants to know why I didn't try harder to keep our marriage together and stuff like that. I tell her I did try quite hard but felt like I was the only one giving it effort. Of course we both have our own sides to the story and there's no need to get into that. Now she acts like she really misses me and wants to give it another shot but is hesitant. I miss her too but am also hesitant. I left and went home after we talked. 

My thoughts are she moved out to try and teach me a lesson or whatever, realized that life is scary without someone to fall back on, and now is unsure if divorce is the way to go.  I kinda enjoy hanging out with this other girl although it has never been a completely satisfying relationship, she is kinda wild and exiting but used to be very boy crazy.  She also objects to me getting back with my ex.

I'm just wondering which way I should go. I plan on giving it some time but am very confused.

I think you dead accurate with the ex - it IS a big scary world out there and it's nice to have someone to fall back on but that doesn't mean it's the right choice or that it should be you.

Just because old/new girl is fun...keep it to fun...doesn't mean you need to jump in with both feet.

Take some time off and enjoy yourself - I wouldn't bother committing to either one right now.

boobies

Yes, have time off and enjoy!! NHRA.

-or-

You could always have the ex come over to find you getting a "massage" from topless long, lost friend.



 [popcorn]

My point exactly!

Thank you Dolci.  Very sound advice.

I've never been married but I have been in the same exact situation. 

I had just started dating this hot, wild, and crazy successfull woman when my ex came back crying. 

I went with the ex and it lasted 5-6 months and I was left with nothing. 

The girl I was dating is a friend of a friend and everytime I see her I think about how much I screwed the pooch because I know we had something going. It's towards the top on my list of regrets.

My opinion is that your relationship/marriage didn't work for a reason and you should stay away from letting her come back in your life.  Obviously she used the age old crying trick to get you to come over but she was not destraught enough to be able to cook and plan an evening with you.

You know what you're getting with the ex but why not wait out and see what happens with the new one or anyone else who may come into your life. I seriously had days where I thought I couldn't go on but now I have a wonderful woman who gets me and I feel like is someone who I'll spend the rest of my life with.

to add....

finalize the divorce....if you guys still want to date and work things out on new ground with a revitalized and fresh sense of things...nothing is stopping you at that point...but in the middle of the proceedings, it makes things hairy, especially if you are considering dating other people, because things can be misconstrued as being unfaithful during the course of reconcilliation by any attorney...

just my .02 FWIW....

Sounds like she is standing knee-deep in some not-so-greener grass

and wants to drop back and punt

you deserve better than to be a back-up plan,

you owe yourself more than to serve as a default

run screaming, finish out the divorce

and if it was truly meant to be

it will stand the test of time and circumstance

take a break from the ex.
breathe a little, have fun, go with hot friend (pics please  ;D).
commit to nothing.

separation anxiety is natural, go slow, take it easy.
your future may have you back with your ex but you need to ask yourself if the old relationship is worth saving.  you do have a kid with her afterall.

Good Luck.  Ciao!

Too many variables to call.

So the verdict of boobies stands.

Actually its not my kid.

Reading what I can from the situation, and forgive the use of the broad strokes in this painting, but I think the age of your ex (she got married at 22, 23?) puts this thinking in the realm of high probability.  If she was ever out on her own, it was for a relatively short amount of time?  So, it could be she is making this gesture as a result of not only the same regret and loneliness you may feel -and I am sure anyone would feel in the same situation- but also being scared about how she is going to make it.   Maybe being scared shitless is just part but not all of the emotional equation, but it is something that has nothing to do with you or your mutual compatibility.  Did she more or less land on her feet after the split?  If she did land on her feet, do you think you would be having these conversations?

And, if she didn't initiate the reconciliation, would you?

Keep your head up.  Difficult shit, this...

To this I would only add: Have you considered that she only wants you back now because you are hanging out with another chick? People only want what they can't have. Perhaps she doesn't want you back at all. Perhaps she just wants you to NOT be hanging out with other women. Big difference. This may or may not be a conscious play on her part. Your marriage is over dude. Finish the paper work and keep yourself away from anything resembling a committed relationship for a while.

Go ride your bike.

sac

I am in the same boat, well similar anyway.
I'm 37, she's 32. Married for 15 years. She decided after a long time and the last year of counseling
where I said I would do anything, whatever it took to keep the family together. Yeah she decided that she
loved me but wasn't in love with me. Now as everything is split up and she's realizing that
She has all these bills to pay and no one to cut wood for her and keep the fire going and suddenly
she has to do it all. Yeah it's a big scary world out there.
I've thought alot about "what if" she wanted me back. I would have to say no. There is too much under the bridge
that I would wonder about to make it all work again. It's affected me emotionally. I am dating a new girl
and she was quiet the other night when we went out to dinner and my first thought was, "what have i done wrong".
I personally just can't see myself going back, it just never would be the same for me.
Now situations are alway different and you need to think long and hard about this. This new gal you got. She's just that,
new. She's exciting and different and makes you feel alive after the problems you've been through. BUT! She's the bounce back girl. Remember that. Think long and hard about your ex. Can you make it work? Do you WANT to make it work.
Can you let the past go and move on?  Yeah man I understand the lonliness and feeling by yourself. That passes though.
Life goes on and the best advice is don't think with your little head. Think with your heart. Remember what's important and think about you and yourself and what's best for you too. Best of luck and if you need to talk just PM me.

HUGE + ELEVENTYBILLION!

Too lazy to read through the whole thing.

Bang the friend, bang the ex. Commit to nothing.

PIITB.

What is this you speak?

Put It In The Butt? 

do we have the obligatory "anal" contribution?

There is no anal contribution until Sac contributes

Ex wife wants me to spend the night tonight. I told her no. WTF??

Dude, a roll in the hay never hurt anyone.  [evil]

grudge make the beast with two backsing what?

Ok, serious advice time. Stop over thinking this crap. Go home, play a game, watch TV, masturbate, whatever, but for one night don't think about the ex or the soon to be. Just go home, ride your bike, and the above. Don't make it so complicated.

Even if you think you might want to get back with her DON'T DO THIS.

Take a step back and think about it first.

So, can I pick up the VIP pass at will call?

Damn it!  Beat to the punch.


That's exactly what I was thinking as I was reading through the thread.   [laugh]

Even if I was to get back together with her it would have to wait till after the weekend.  I told her there is a good chance I'm not coming back and need time to think about it.

there is a reason she's an EX, never forget that.  It's always easy to follow what you know and back into the comfort zone.  The only thing we remember are the good times.  Ask yourself, why did we get to this point and you'll have your answer. 

Good for you! Don't do it. RAT900's earlier comments on page 1 of this thread were great. [thumbsup] She obviously will try ANYTHING to get back Mr. Fall Back. Food, crying, sex, etc. Hold out for a new Ducati then say no anyway. [laugh] Sounds like you guys have a kid together? Yes? No? Did I catch that right?

I was married for 20 years. It died on the vine. Horrible 2.5 year long divorce and we didn't even have any kids. I'm not Mr. Wonderful but at least I'm not make the beast with two backsing crazy like my ex. Got remarried in 2005. Things are good but honestly I should have taken more time after the divorce and before I got remarried. I'm happy I got remarried but I didn't get enough riding, hunting and fishing in before I tied the knot. Chasing women wasn't an issue. I still would have married the woman I did... just down the road a little further. I deserved the time to enjoy life and the things I like to do whenever I felt like doing them. That changed (as I knew it would) after getting married again. Still get to do all that stuff but now I have to earn the kitchen points to do so. You deserve the same thing. Finalize the divorce, enjoy the NHRA races, don't let Ms. Hottie run your life and go for more rides! [moto]

The kid was hers, he is not mine.

*clears throat*

*dons short pleated skirt*

*claps hands*

ALRIGHT?! OKAY! GIMME AN A!

"A"

VAGINA!!! Oh wait, did I jump the gun?

She's playing you and you'll end up with more heartache in the long run.

I had a friend that was a musician and he used to say 'put it to a song on tin pan alley'...meaning if there was any emotion or situation happening to you there was already a song about it.

Play this for her and continue with your plan. You can change your mind later.

I will never be your fool - David Bromberg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mVhFwztRp8#normal)

GIMME AN "N"!


sac

"L"!

Let me add to the chorus of don't do it.


Go get on top of someone else. Move away-go do whatever the hell you want.



Meet me in Vegas in December.

I like to get to the "end"! You get it?! "End"!! I'm very witty.

You make baby Jesus cry.


sac

Only Lu calls Matador baby.

Thanks everybody for their help with this.  Needless to say I'm going a bit nuts.

 Play them off each other and get double anal!  

Whatever you do, don't take an engineer with you to Vegas to pull some ass!

:-)

If you're lucky...

it's a short trip. ;)

My dad has always said to put my head down and move forward.

It always works.

marriage is complicated under the very best of circumstances.  your wife got married quite young and brought a child from a previous relationship with her, which probably increases the complication.  

my advice would be to avoid any sleepovers with the ex while things are up in the air.  if your mind still isn't made up about whether or not to go thru with the divorce, find the best couples therapist in the nearest big city (don't go cheap, find someone experienced who charges a couple hundred bones an hour) and spend a couple hours with them.  get an opinion from an independent 3rd party who's seen hundreds of couples.  they should be able to get a sense about the state of affairs ... i.e. whether it's worth trying to rehab or not.  not that their opinion would be gospel, but it would probably help you with the decision.  

oh, and if you ultimately decide to cut ties, pls go on a major whoring streak and post all the lurid details here so that we married guys can live vicariously.  

no, in all seriousness, marriage is great.  

but seriously, really really detailed accounts.

(http://lh4.ggpht.com/_U50QCYjwKxo/TJvq4TPjHjI/AAAAAAAAAb4/qQxPI21Ad7g/baby%20jesus.jpg)

Baby Jesus approves of this message

(Damn I was a good looking kid)

Apart from that I have nothing to add to the thread except that if you're ever up to the hour long drive up to Austin, you have a bed and a drinking buddy to party with.  [thumbsup]

I am not married, but I've been in a lot of relationships and I've done the get back together thing too many times.  It doesn't work.  I don't know your whole story, and I don't know you, but this seems a bit of a shady situation to me.  So you were married for 2 years, which means that she probably started having doubts about 1.5 years into it, if not sooner.  So to me, this just seems like a bit of a wash.  You don't have kids together, only been married for 2 years, it didn't work out, oh well.  Lesson learned, move forward.  I think that what it takes to have a life long marriage with someone (talking multiple decades here) takes a lot of commitment and communication, which the two of you did not have with each other.  Again, I don't know the background, but if you both call it quits after only 2 years, then you both don't have the connection or fortitude to make it last a lifetime.  (What happened inside those 2 years that made you want to divorce?  Don't really need an answer to this, just saying it rhetorically.)  So to me, she is just scared and hurt and running back to her best friend, which has been you for a while.  Don't fall for it.

The new lady sounds great, but she shouldn't even be a factor here.  It's not, "I'll go back to my ex if I can't find anything better."  Or,  "I'm not going back to my ex because hot chicks are giving me attention."  Have fun with her if you want, but leaving one for another never seems to be a good way to go.  Then you never have time to resolve the previous relationship, and you kinda doom the upcoming one.

As for going over for dinner or to talk with the ex, I gotta say NO WAY.  If you need to communicate, do it in a public place, not a couple feet away from the bedroom.  Better yet, in the company of a therapist.  And... as a word of advice to help you think clearly... before you ever hang out with the ex for any of these talks, do yourself a huge favor and rub one out.  Force yourself if you must, but you can't go to meet her with a loaded gun, it will severely cloud your judgement.  Might sound funny but it's totally true. 

Damn... I'd pay Grappa a hundred bucks for advice!! [laugh] No shit, that's the best post yet! I married my first wife out of guilt. Long boring story. Didn't work (waste of 20 years!! [bang]). And your soon to be ex (please say that is happening?) is working that "he's lonely, I'll guilt him into coming back because I'm scared and I can cry on cue" bullshit. I'd rather go for a ride on my bike than have "guilt sex" with a soon to be ex. My ex never did that but that's because she was too make the beast with two backsing crazy to try that. Normal, non-crazy women will try that every chance they get. 99% of guys will fall for it 100% of the time. OK, maybe crazy women too. [laugh] I'm too old to give a shit, won't work on me. I'd rather go dove hunting or go to my farm, smoke cigars and mow. I'm make the beast with two backsing bullet proof! [laugh]

What I would really love to hear is our awesome gals on the board chime in with their advice. This has been an angry, sometimes funny, testosterone ladled thread so far. If the gals have posted I guess I missed it. But I would love to read their comments and suggestions. Nothing like hearing it straight from the source! [thumbsup] [clap] [bow_down] Throw it down ladies. You're on deck. ;D

I am the ultimate wingman.

Yup, no matter how weird you are, once they compare you to MrInc, you'll seem like a make the beast with two backsing disney prince

The wisdom doth pour-oth from thy almighty board!!







 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-6SAxJ5N7w)

[laugh]   [thumbsup]

"party?"
now you've been propositioned by Jesus. How does that help?!  [puke]

Yes.  But which ones? Thats the question in question.

I vote neither.

Grappa I may have to take your advise and look into a therapist for us.  I would feel guilty if I felt like I didn't give it my all.


I guess I still love her very much and am just confused as to which way I should go.  It was not a bad breakup. We didn't even raise our voices at each other.  Ive got quite a bit of thinking ahead of me. Thanks everyone.

Good luck with it. Relationships are very difficult and confusing at best. That's why dogs and motorcycles are so popular. They are not difficult or confusing. [thumbsup] My ex replaced me instantly with a pit bull. Best move she ever made.

Only read the 1st page,   I say stay single till your 35.. you need to be for a while.  At this point your judgement is all screwd up.. new always feels good till its old.. stay away my friend..

Dude...RUN

Fast and far.....

I'll be honest.  I have played the tricks your ex is playing and it didn't change or improve the failing relationship at all...

Life got much better when I learned games don't work and to move on.  Yes, it is a big, scary world out there, but she has to learn with dealing with it on her own...it sounds like she doesn't want to though.   :-\

The therapist recommendation is good. 

We're not saying you can't/don't love her...Life isn't that simple...

Take time and figure out what YOU want.  There is no way for two unhappy people to be happy together.

Outstanding advice! [thumbsup] [clap] Thank you for your all gal input! That probably means more than a bunch of angry, goofy guys telling him what to do. I admit, we can be too funny and way too full of testosterone BS for any decent advice. But hey, we're just dumb guys. That's our job! [laugh] We lift heavy things and reach shit on the top shelf... that's pretty much it! ;D

and ogle at boobies!

I'm going to take the contrarian stance here.


You should definently take things SLOW, but if you still love her, and you know she loves you, there is no harm in trying to save the relationship. I think the therapist is probably a great idea. She has to learn that playing the "I'm moving out/you're getting booted because things aren't my way" game isn't how you handle these things, but...if there is still something there, worth working through, then no reason to end it right away.

avoiding the "sleep over" is still a great idea...don't be sexin' it up before the problems are solved...

(http://ws.mccoys.com/macservices/signmaker/imageprovider.ashx?i=37aa386d-5564-4b4d-9a1e-4ceaeff7e556&max=550)

You may ask the board 3 things. His wisdom knows no bounds.


 ;D ;D ;D

is that the Official Clue By 4?

Well I went to the dragraces Saturday as planned and had a blast until the rain shut it down. Spent Friday night with the friend in the guest bedroom as I said I would. We had a really good time together but I kept thinking how guilty I would feel if I didn't give my marriage my best effort. There has been some absolutely great advice on here as well as in my PM's. When I got home from the races my ex was at our mutual friends house and wanting to come over to get her mail.  I told her I would bring it to her instead and  took off on the klr over to our friends house.  I kept thinking to myself how much I wanted her and my stepson to go to the company picnic instead of dragster girl. So that's what I did and we had a very good time. Took my stepson fishing, swimming, all the good stuff and felt great about it. I guess we will see if it lasts. 

Good for you man.  I really hope everything works out for you. 

whichever path you go down, i hope it works out for the better.
still waiting for pics of hot drag race girl  ;D

You misread it. He's seeing a hot girl in drag.


Which one of them is dressed up is unclear.

Doood that was our secret wtf.  [thumbsdown]

I see he's bullying you too.

Dango Californians

My wife and I both strongly hate all the same stuff, which draws us closer together. I challenge your claim! ;)

The enemy of my enemy is my spouse??

You might be on to something......