Hiya,
This is the topic that I was asked not to write about due to its potentially volatile nature. Some will see this as a political thread and object to it because it does not agree with what they believe politically. Others will see this as a religious thread as it may not agree with what they believe religiosly. This is actually not about religion and not about politics. It is about me an ordinary American Citizen , a member of this community and a member of the Human Race. This is my story. The story of a human who has been lost for so long she did not know which way was up,down forwards or back........ to carry on living or to end her life. ........This is in no way meant to be a political or religious posting and if I have offended you ,the reader of this in some way then I sincerely apologise in advance for hurting your feelings or for what you believe in. I intend to make no political /religious statement with this thread.
So that I have gotten all this out of the way where do I begin?
Well lets fast forward to today, the past almost 47 years have been beyond hateful for me. Lets make it easy for you all . My Name is Erica . I am transexual. I am a girl .I used to be a boy. There .........I am out to you all.
Sorry Nate, I cannot live with this lie anymore friend, I like everyone here too much and feel that being honest with my friends is the best thing for them and myself.If you feel the need to ban me as I said I would not write this , then please go ahead. I am sorry but this whole thing has weighed very heavily on me and I am nearing the end of my rope. I hurt inside from so many things and the need to lie or pretend has to stop.
Now before some of you get upset , what I have written in the past is true. I am a veteran, I did serve,I did go to war, I have driven truck, I do ride a Ducati and yes I was married. Yes I was abused by my spouse and yes I do have kids. I have lost everything and will continue to lose everything for many more years to come until my children have grown up.I have accepted that and I live on next to nothing every month. Life is a constant struggle financially and I am not asking nor expecting help from anyone. I have always made my own way in the world as you all have and will do whatever it takes to keep a roof over my head and at least one meal a day in my stomach.My first spouse took her own life. Yes that hurts, and I hope that no one here ever has to go thru that. I did raise my two daughters by myself with no help from anyone and yes I was good at it.I just sucked at being a man and being masculine. So there you all have it. I have outed myself to you all and you are ll probably thinking to yourselves WTF? wHY would she do that?I dont care any more who knows of my past I am not in stealth mode, Never have been never will be. I am me, Out loud and scared(Bet you thought I was gonna say Proud didnt ya!). I am off to bed as I need to hide from myself and humanity. Life sometimes is so difficult I would not wish this on anyone. ......In case you want to google it please look up Gender Dysphoria.I am not here to fool anyone, I never have wanted to,never intended to. Sorry Everyone, I am me, a human with feelings and a life that has been shattered by this. I work hard , am honest, pay my taxes ,have owned a business and had employees.I have seen much good and much bad in the world and now its time to face the fears that we all have . Its time to face myself.
If you feel the need to respond to what I have written please do so respectfully . If you feel the need to respond in a negative way because some how you are offended, please do so privately by PM. I have heard most things,been abused and insulted by people who were literally in my face some with knives ,fists bottles etc and twice in my life by those with guns, Iran 1983 for one...........
Ride safely everyone, enjoy your lives ,do no harm,and try to help those in need, whatever need they may have if you can. Your help to someone who hurts for whatever reason my be the reason they see the sun rise tomorrow.
Sorry Nate,Statler, and the rest of the Moderators, you do a fine job......... whats done is done.
Erica.
no worries.
live your life how you see fit and try to do the best you can.
Its all that any of us can do.
I'll add that you sound like I better person than I am.
I never served my country, I've never had to deal with an abusive spouse, I'm barely able to handle the whole parent thing (and I'm just getting started) and I sure as hell can't drive a big rig.
Let alone being trapped in the wrong body.
If you don't mind some advice, reach out to the folks in your area who've got experience with what you're going through. I still have a close family member around because she found the right support group to get her through her issues with being transgendered.
Actually there was someone else on this board or TOB who has gone through similar things to yourself. I will try to find the thread and get back to you. In the mean time good luck to you and I'm sure you may be surprised at the support you'll get from others on this forum, we are a pretty enlightened bunch.
For the honesty and integrity, for serving and protecting us, for taking care of yourself:
[clap] [beer]
Never apologize for who you are. It's who you are.
Just because a coupla jerks make jokes on another thread doesn't mean we're all assholes.
Dollars to donuts says they've never actually met a transgendered person, and if they knew you (as we all do now) I'm guessing they probably wouldn't have posted them.
People make jokes when they're ignorant of the facts because it's easier than searching out the truth. Good on ya for coming to terms with your decision to "out" yourself. Don't think I could do that if I were in your situation.
No need to apologize for your life or who you are BGB. We're all living our own f'ed up little lives when we're away from this board. I bet if you were to admit something like this on the typical yamahondakawazuki forum though, you'd really get a flamin'. You won't get that on the DMF. Even though it doesn't seem like it, most of us here are older, wiser and sometimes more mature than the average crotchrocket rider.
Doesn't change my thoughts or feelings about a fellow Ducatisti.
[beer]
After reading some of Pillar's tales, nothing is really that shocking anymore.
[cheeky]
I try to take in all the good little things that happens on a (semi-)daily basis.
This is one of the larger things - listening to you.
Today we celebrate your life [thumbsup]
[beer]
Apology not accepted. You should not apologize for who you are.
Since it is too early for alcoholic beverage,
[coffee] and [bacon] to you!
Big Hug from NM.
If you're ever in the area, dinners on me.
Take care, smile, enjoy the true You that You are, and be proud of your accomplishments. You've come a long way and although your definition of success doesn't fit many peoples, doesn't make you any less successful.
Keep on keeping on, and a big +1 to the anti-apology comments above! ;)
Stu
Erica...don't ever be sorry.
I really don't understand why you think any of us moderators would be angry about your personal truth.
Again as said by others, no apologies necessary.
Don't overly concern yourself with having others approve of what you feel is the right thing to do.
You'll drive yourself nuts that way and besides as long as you aren't causing any harm to others, what business of theirs is it anyway?
Admitting that was a brave thing to do and I hope a burden of sorts is lifted from your shoulders now. It's a burden that should not have been there to begin with however as that info is nothing you owed any of us in any way.
It's all good.
You like bikes and that makes you alright!
[beer]
Rock on wit ya bad self, think you'll find a lot of support around here
BGB -HUGE hugs from DC for you and never ever ever apologize for who you are.
I respect and honor you for serving our country and for standing up for the things you believe in and for having the courage to not live a lie.
[clap] [clap]
Huh? I always thought of you as BadGalBetty. The rest of the stuff is way to much to remember. I think I'll just think of you the same way I did last week, as another forum member. [thumbsup]
If more people in life had the courage to be true to themselves, their inner-truths and their own personal stars...... the world might be a far better place. (or the jails might be overflowing even more)
Kudos to you Erica for making your path in life the one that suits you and gives you peace
Vaya Con Dios
Quote from: Porsche Monkey on October 07, 2010, 05:30:39 AM
Huh? I always thought of you as BadGalBetty. The rest of the stuff is way to much to remember. I think I'll just think of you the same way I did last week, as another forum member. [thumbsup]
Yup.
My brains is too full otherwise. :)
Were you really expecting people to be upset? How is this about religion or politics?
Life is different for everyone. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes it's hard. Sometimes, it seems completely unbearable. The only constant is you, so you should always be true to yourself, do the best you can, learn and move forward.
There's nothing for you to be sorry about. Good luck.
Meh.... I knew :P.
I knew and I didnt care :).
And now that you've been open and honest and publicly true to yourself... and conformed what I (thought I) knew.... I still dont care :).
It matters not at all. I'm not offended - what would give anyone that right?
I'm not threatened nor intimidated - why should I be?
I dont beleive in God - but if I'm wrong on that then I'll gladly stand condemned by any God who excludes any member of humanity on the basis of colour, gender, sexuality, religious belief, nationality or ducati ownership ;).
You're BGB, you're here as one who shares a common passion for our Ducati marque and your presence, input, comments and opinions... I continue to value.
Just as before :).
Way to go BGB! Drinks are on me next time I am in PDX. Early Dec OK [beer]
Quote from: Porsche Monkey on October 07, 2010, 05:30:39 AM
Huh? I always thought of you as BadGalBetty. The rest of the stuff is way to much to remember. I think I'll just think of you the same way I did last week, as another forum member. [thumbsup]
Yeah Im in the same boat as Monkey is.
[thumbsup]
it takes fortitude to bare your soul, especially to a bunch of folks you may or may
not know. most of us will never know the angst you have endured. thanks for
your honesty, your service to the country, and your friendship to this board.
just NEVER tell us you bought a hyosung!
no need to be sorry. I think we all are all different and unique individual who go thru our own struggles in life. And for that, we are all the same. Be proud of who you are and the good you've accomplish (which is a lot more than what a lot of people have done).
Quote from: Porsche Monkey on October 07, 2010, 05:30:39 AM
Huh? I always thought of you as BadGalBetty. The rest of the stuff is way to much to remember. I think I'll just think of you the same way I did last week, as another forum member. [thumbsup]
This.
(& Hugs) [thumbsup]
You are who you are. I think some people spend their whole life trying to figure out who they are in 1,000 different ways. As long as you are happy with who you are. It really doens't matter. If you get upset with the people you hang out with, then you shouldn't be hanging out with them. If you feel the need to get something off your chest, then do it before it makes you explode.
Your a transgender. Whatever. Just dont be a dick to your friends and most people wouldn't care. Thats true to anyone in life. And you can't please everyone. If you try to be a good person and someone wants to give you shit, they can go make the beast with two backs em selves. Really thats all theres to it.
Erica,
No need to apologize, since I knew I never judged and you have to think the majority of the people on here
are good decent people as well and wouldn't judge you just as I didn't.
I am sure this is a huge weight off you chest and i hope it helps in cleanseing your soul of the pain you feel.
I still as always wish you the best.
Here's to you [beer]
Be who you need to be. To many of us walk around miserable trying to be who we think we ought to be. Cheers to you for finding yourself.
You seem to be amung kind souls here.
:)
You rock.
The strength that you have is truly impressive and inspirational. You decided to lead that life that you knew was right for you and not the one that society tried to tell you was "right". And on top of that, you had the strength to open up and bare your soul with no idea what kind of feedback you were going to get from it.
Kudos to you. It can't be easy. There're a lot of people out there that would benefit greatly from talking to you if they could only put aside their judgement and see you for who you are.
I think it's pretty cool too that steps are finally being made to break down our hetero-normative patriarchal societal standards to the point where it's possible to have a conversation about this without anyone butting in with hatred and bigotry. Hopefully things will keep progressing.
Good luck with everything you have going on in your life, and keep your chin up. You have better/more admirable character traits than most people out there and you should be proud of that.
Like others said, apology not accepted because it is not needed. When you first told me and the wifey we shrugged and tried to recall meeting you in Sacto. We we did we thought, "Oh that was that funny dude we got drunk with!" Our next thought was about our friends Ross and Percy. They have been legally married for longer than me and the wifey, they've adopted a son, have good jobs and over all have a pretty good life. But they both have horrific stories about what they went through when they were forced to live life while denying who they were. And that sucks. I'm glad you found the courage to be who you are and I hope you have other people to talk to that have similar experiences to yours. And please remember you don't have to be the tough girl and always make it through life on your own. A big step in being comfortable with who you are (for anyone) is being willing to accept help from others. Don't be afraid to ask, you'll be amazed people's generosity. And you'll be able to think of that when you are confronted with the fact that humanity can be just as hateful as it can be loving.
Hopefully you can rest assured that, since you've done this, if someone makes inappropriate comments they will get such a verbal ass-whooping form the other members here that they will be forced to shove their bigotry so far up their own ass it won't see the light of day on this board ever again. The moderators have done a pretty good job at curbing the woman bashing, the gay bashing, etc. I expect that to be the case with any potential transgender bashing as well.
sac
/still okay to poke fun at midgets though, looking at you IZ
//actually I feel I have to come out of the short closet myself
///5'5" on a good day
////whew, so glad to have that off of my chest ;D
Don't apologize for being who you are. Hugs as always. :)
[thumbsup]
Thanks for the insight. Hope the comments here go toward healing any pain you've suffered along the way. Looking at your avatar, you look like who you should be and you have much to be proud of. Hang in there.
its all good BGB [thumbsup]
Alright, I'll say it.
PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ;D
Seriously though, good on you. Hard thing to tell us but we're not your ordinary group of interneters.
Nothing changes in my view.
Quote from: Sắc Dục on October 07, 2010, 10:07:54 AM
/still okay to poke fun at midgets though, looking at you IZ
//actually I feel I have to come out of the short closet myself
///5'5" on a good day
////whew, so glad to have that off of my chest ;D
WTH?! This is supposed to be about BGB and the healing process.
I don't usually read the no-moto board, but I'm glad I read your post. You definitely have my support. You've done more to be proud of in your life than I have in mine. You've got a lot of courage. It's best to surround yourself with progressive minds and friends who make you feel good. You need that to survive and succeed.
One of my best friends from High School had the same sexual identity issue. He told me in a letter. I replied telling him it didn't matter and we were still best friends. He had many of the same problems that you described. Rejection by all that had know him previously including his family. He never wrote or called me after that (at that time we lived at different parts of the country). I wrote more than once. I understand that the idea of free-will in sexuality is a myth. None of us choose. We all are what we are made to be and can't change it. If we try, we can nearly lose our minds. Our culture makes it hard for some of us to be who we are. So, like everyone else has said, don't be sorry. I accept you for who you and hope to meet you someday. I do have a request though. Don't hide away like my HS friend did. Hang out here. Your among friends.
live and let live, that's my philosophy.
you ever notice that the people who are the most vocal in telling others how to live their lives are often the ones with the darkest secrets? F the haters.
trying to live the life of someone you're not is one of the most painful things possible. i mean this in the nicest most respectful non-pun-intended way ... you've got a lotta balls. hang in there and don't be afraid to reach out for support if you need it.
Quote from: Sắc Dục on October 07, 2010, 10:07:54 AM
/still okay to poke fun at midgets though, looking at you IZ
//actually I feel I have to come out of the short closet myself
///5'5" on a good day
////whew, so glad to have that off of my chest ;D
I also have a confession to make, I am absolutly terrified of midgets.
Never apologize... you are who you are be strong you have brothers and sisters here .
You have done the right thing for you at this point in time ...be strong
Lots of dudes like "fake" boobs but are terrified of a "fake" vagina.
Hypocrites
Everyone is weird in some way. As long as you don't look like Hoyt Axton with pregnant dog tits, I could care less...lol...
BGB--from one veteran and parent to another, no need to apologize at all. You have character in spades and if our paths ever cross, I'd be honored to buy you the beverage of your choice and the dinner to go with it.
took you long enough girl. ;D
love you.
You have no reason to apologize. More power to you. [thumbsup]
Your life is a little more special than most .
We are all unique.
You should be commended for what you have done ....... for service to your country and for what you have done in your personal life.
May you find the strength to carry on and luck be with you.
Dolph :)
i applaud your honesty and courage erica [thumbsup]
dmf'ers are a great bunch
((group hug)) :)
Well it has been quite a last 24 hours for me. I have read the postings and the many many PM's and want to say to all of you Thank You. I have been lost for words and overcome with emotion. You are good people, kind,compassionate, decent and honest. Maybe that is why I love you all so much.........
Again Thank You for your kindness and love, it means so much to someone who sometimes loses faith in herself. Last nite there were happy tears whilst I was reading, overcome by it all. You guys are all SUPER in ways that you do not know.You Rock! [thumbsup]
Be Well
Erica.
We're only mirroring how much you rock E. [thumbsup]
All the best,
--Stuart [thumbsup]
Quote from: Duck-Stew on October 08, 2010, 06:40:04 AM
We're only mirroring how much you rock E. [thumbsup]
All the best,
--Stuart [thumbsup]
+ 11tybillion ^^^
you are who you are, thats all you can ever be.
JD
kudos for being true to yourself. your bravery (in many forms) is much greater than most ppl that i know. find strength and support from the members here. there are many good ppl here too. i too would like to salute you and buy you a drink/meal. the next time i'm up in Portland for work, i'll let you know. maybe next month.
hang in there and be strong. Ciao!
Good for you, for being so open with us, honesty is never something to be afraid of. Although, you should know by now, all we really care about is... how fast is your bike? ;D
We are all bones and squishy stuff on the insides anyhow. That's why we wear leathers, to make sure it stays on the inside. The stuff on the outside just tends to get in the way of riding.
Its hard but just ignore the ignorance.. lifes too short not too.. I'm one of the biggest a-holes around but no worries from my end.. I live in ny, my best friend is gay (homo thug to be exact) as we'll as my sister and some family member.. in my clubbing days I would frequent the gay clubs with my sis and homeboy, crash in queens was good.. now a days with so many diff types you shouldn't have issues with your self.. live and let live...
Only problem I have Is, Erica.. same name as my ex fiance who almost destroyed me..
remember we are all going to be the same a-holes to each other on this board like we normally are, so don't get used to everyone being all warm and fussy. [laugh]
Quote from: sbrguy on October 08, 2010, 11:10:28 AM
remember we are all going to be the same a-holes to each other on this board like we normally are, so don't get used to everyone being all warm and IZ_. [laugh]
(http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l309/ducatiz/DML/BIKE.jpg)
This thread needs more puppies.
(http://knowyourmeme.com/i/000/066/552/original/whos-awesome.jpg)
(http://www.pointsincase.com/files/u2/dr-seuss-quote.jpg)
You'll always be...
BGB...
to me.
;) :-*
(http://dawkinsdouche.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/8516admitting-you-re-an-asshole-posters.jpg)
;D
I am
(http://msproper.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/attitude_proud_to_be_an_asshole_st.jpg)
[evil]
Sorry, getting too warm and IZ_ for me. [bang]
Oh, and +11tyb for all the good vibes being sent your way. [beer]
God dammit!! If one more person says IZ_.. >:( >:( >:(
(http://i326.photobucket.com/albums/k423/amanda31375/Funny%20shit/funny-pictures.jpg)
Bad hair day shorty?
[laugh]
Oh wait. Your talking about that camera focus phobia. [thumbsup]
Quote from: Sắc Dục on October 08, 2010, 12:05:25 PM
This thread needs more puppies.
(http://knowyourmeme.com/i/000/066/552/original/whos-awesome.jpg)
Can we get puppies who can spell "you're" though?
Quote from: superjohn on October 08, 2010, 12:29:13 PM
Can we get puppies who can spell "you're" though?
Can we stop pretending that people know how to spell?!
They don't!!
[cheeky]
Quote from: IZ on October 08, 2010, 12:32:02 PM
Can we stop pretending that people I know how to spell take a picture in focus?!
They I don't!!
-IZ
[cheeky]
Fixed. :D
[bacon]
Quote from: superjohn on October 08, 2010, 12:29:13 PM
Can we get puppies who can spell "you're" though?
Or at least make it "whose" so it makes sense?
;D
Erica,
We had fun when we met you the first time! I hope that you are well and as Carl and I have said if you are in our area we would love to have you over to our house enjoy some great food and drinks!
I am sorry things have been so hard for you and I hope life continues to improve for you!
Cheers to you, cheers to your life [wine]
Melissa
Quote from: Polpetta on October 08, 2010, 04:07:53 PM
Erica,
We had fun when we met you the first time! I hope that you are well and as Carl and I have said if you are in our area we would love to have you over to our house enjoy some great food and drinks!
I am sorry things have been so hard for you and I hope life continues to improve for you!
Cheers to you, cheers to your life [wine]
Melissa
I say take Mel up on her offer... She makes KILLER gnocchi, her meatballs are out of this world, and Carl makes a mean porcini risotto. The doggies are sweet too. [thumbsup]
Erica,
Again, I want to thank you for your insight - I'd say it's one of the most moving and thought provoking personal accounts I've ever read. Your life story sounds very intriguing and you offer a very unique and profound insight into various aspects of life as you met your personal challenges. Love, loss, war, abuse, courage, death, hate, fatherhood, fear, triumph, and transformation - your path has covered a broad emotional landscape.
If you wrote a book about your life and your perspectives, I'd buy it. Iran in 1983 would interesting enough aside from everthing else. You could try to get RAT900 to be your editor. I know getting by month to month is a all consuming effort but I think you have an incredible story to tell.
There are some very impressive members of this forum that I would like to meet someday and you're one of them.
title of the book should be "Monsters, they are more common than you think, thank heaven for that"
Quote from: Junkie of Bacon on October 08, 2010, 07:11:25 PM
I say take Mel up on her offer... She makes KILLER gnocchi, her meatballs are out of this world, and Carl makes a mean porcini risotto. The doggies are sweet too. [thumbsup]
I like doggies [thumbsup] I couldnt eat a whole one though, sweet or not.
I say take johnnys advice.. turn what's given you a hard time in life to what's gonna give you the most in life.. do a book, make some money and feel better about yourself and situation.. I 2nd rat900 for editor..
My wife and I will share our [bacon] & [coffee] [thumbsup]
JM
Quote from: ungeheuer on October 09, 2010, 05:16:17 AM
I like doggies [thumbsup] I couldnt eat a whole one though, sweet or not.
especially their's.
Great Dane, some crazy St. Bernard mix, and a shepherd mix.
Thems some big doggies!
JuddDDdd's gone Erica. You don't have to worry about anyone turning this thread into a self-absorbed hate fest. [evil]
It's an internet forum... people care about what comes out of your mouth here not what goes into it.
what's in people's pants or under their skirts doesn't matter (couples who met here excepted I suppose...but even then the rest of us don't care).
Be yourself.
and be happy.
[beer]
Nothing to add here, just [thumbsup]
Why would you have to be sorry? You don't have to apologise to anyone.
You better not have a deeper voice than me. ;D
I'm really late to this thread. Please keep being you and don't apologize for that. Tomorrow is national coming out day and your courage is really inspirational. I wish for a world where everyone can be comfortable within their own skin.
(I've been reading a lot of gender-theory history recently. There's a lot of empowering stuff you might like regarding the artificiality/socially constructed aspects of gender. I'd be glad to talk books or whatever else via pm.)
My hat is off to you.
Erica,
I am late to the game as I have been offline, and am catching up. 1st, I want to say sorry if I previously offended you in a different thread with my comments, as I said to you in PM before. 2nd, you are an awesome individual for having displayed the strength that you did in bearing your soul in the manner you did. As far as I am concerned, no one can ever take that away from you. 3rd, as far as I am concerned, what you have revealed changes nothing in how I shall think of you or respond to you. There is no hate or disaproval, there is no judgement or disavowel, there is nothing but acceptance with open arms. Be who you are and keep on plugging through, as the support you need, will avail itself unto you, be it from folks here or elsewhere.
in the meantime though, continue to kick ass and take names later...and to the insensitive pricks of the world...may they lay at your feet in the form of fodder as you continue to crush with awesomeness of you-ness.
All I can say is: [thumbsup]....keep on [moto]. No worries!
I am late to this thread. But I wanted my support for you to be on the record. If we don't have the freedom to be who we really are, do any of the other freedoms really matter? I'm happy you trusted us enough to let us know.