DMF joke thread

[Kopfjäger]

    

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

[Randimus Maximus]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[ducpainter]

A man walks into a grocery store and heads to the produce aisle. He finds the clerk and asks him for a half a head of lettuce.

The clerk responds "I'm sorry sir, we don't sell half heads of lettuce."

The man says "Why not? I can buy a half pound of hamburger, a half dozen eggs, and a half pint of half & half. Why can't I buy a half head of lettuce?"

The clerk looks at him, and says "Wait right here, I'll be right back."

The clerk heads through the swinging doors and sees the manager, to who he states "There's some asshole out there that wants to buy a half head of lettuce...and just as the words leave his mouth...he sees the guy coming through the swinging doors...and this gentleman would like to buy the other half." The manager tells him to take care of the guy, so he did.

A little while later the manager comes to the clerk and says "I really liked the way you handled that situation. Very quick thinking on your feet. I have a store in Canada and I'd like you to manage it."

The clerk replies " Canada? All they have up there are whores and hockey players." To which the manager replied "You be careful how you talk, my wife lives in Canada."

To which the clerk replies " Oh yeah? What team does she play for?"

[ducpainter]

A businessman was interviewing job applicants for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, What is two plus two? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, Twenty-two. The second was a social worker. She said, I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it. The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001.Next came an attorney. He stated that in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four. Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, How much do you want it to be? He got the job

[ducpainter]

A priest and rabbi are sitting on an airline next to each other The stewardess brings out their meals, the priest a pork dinner, and the rabbi a salad. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "can I ask you a question?" the rabbi nods. The priest asks "you don't eat pork correct?" The rabbi says "no it is forbidden in Leviticus. An animal must have split hooves and chew it's cud to be kosher. A pig doesn't qualify." The priest asks "but have you ever tried it?" The rabbi says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I was religious, I was somewhat rebellious I did try pork." The rabbi asks the priest "can I ask you a question?" the priest nods. The rabbi says "you can't have sex, right?" The priest says "no. We must have undivided attention to God and not let marriage or sex cloud that focus so we agree to celibacy." The rabbi says "but did you ever?" The priest says "yes, I must confess I did. In my younger days, before I considered being a priest I was a bit wild and did experience the pleasure of a woman's flesh." After a brief pause the rabbi says "better than pork, huh?"