DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[ducpainter]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Highlander are all sitting at the bar. Each orders a drink, and each drink arrives with a live fly swimming in the drink.
The Englishman pushes his back to the bartender and wants a replacement...,
The Irishman shrugs, and begins to drink from his ...,
The Highlander deftly grasps the live fly by the wings, lifts it from his glass and shouts at the fly, "Spit It Out! Spit It Out!"

[ducpainter]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want

something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

[Randimus Maximus]

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.

"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.

"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."

[ducpainter]

A man's pet parrot went wild with bite and scratches on everybody. The man grabbed the parrot and stuffed it into the freezer. The man just wanted to calm the parrot down. The man opened the freezer to find a very calm parrot. The man took the parrot back into the other room. On the way the parrot whispered in the man's ear, Oh and by the way....what did that turkey do??

[ducpainter]

An old trucker sat down in a diner and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the wrinkled old gear jammer and asked, 'Are you a real trucker?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life driving big rigs. I have delivered grain to breweries, I have carted machinery across the country, I have given rides at county fairs to lots of kids, and clocked up over 4 million miles, that's like to the moon and back 10 times so I guess I am a trucker – what about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young boy sat down on the other side of the old truck driver and asked, 'Are you a real trucker?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian!

[ducpainter]

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news...

"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?

[ducpainter]

Two elderly men talking in the living room, one of them said, "We went out to a great restaurant last night!" The other one asked, "What is the name of it?"

The first one responded, "What is the name of the red flower?" "Is it called a Rose?' "Yeah, that's it! Hey Rose, what's the name of the restaurant last night?"

[Kopfjäger]

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news...

"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?

    

[DarkMonster620]

Two elderly men talking in the living room, one of them said, "We went out to a great restaurant last night!" The other one asked, "What is the name of it?"

The first one responded, "What is the name of the red flower?" "Is it called a Rose?' "Yeah, that's it! Hey Rose, what's the name of the restaurant last night?"

Funny, but, it has happened to me ... Since the accident, I've been having 'sudden blackouts' or holes in my memory

[ducpainter]

A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
by Joseph Lucas
All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke." Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical.
We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing. For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.
The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works right afterward.
Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.
It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets.
Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.
Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.
In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.
"A gentleman does not motor about after dark." - Joseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903
I learned a long time ago that once you let the "Factory Smoke" out of any electrical device, it is next to impossible to replenish.

[Randimus Maximus]

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

[Randimus Maximus]

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" askes the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"

[Randimus Maximus]

An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now.

As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, "You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock 'n' roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest.

"I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n' Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"

[Randimus Maximus]

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.