DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

[Randimus Maximus]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[ducpainter]

Junior and Louise were newly married and lying in bed one night Junior asked "how many men have you been with?" Louise rolled over and stared at the ceiling and lay there in total silence. Junior said "come on now you can tell me, we are married now and nothing is going to change that ". But Louise just lay there staring at the ceiling in silence. "Baby, I just thought that we could have an honest relationship and not keep any secrets from each other ". Still no change. Fearing that he had made her really mad, he apologized and said that he hadn't intended to upset her. Still staring intently at the ceiling in dead silence. He rolled over and hugged her tightly, showering her with kisses and apologizing profusely. She snapped out of her transe and in an angry voice said "now see what you have done, you made me lose count!"

[ducpainter]

Bob was a reformed hard core biker. He was no longer riding or wearing the colors, he had married Mable and settled down. They were having a hard time financially and one day were driving through a rough part of town on the way to a job interview that could pull them out of their problems and ran out of gas. Bob realized that they were only a few blocks from his old biker bar so he told Mable "if we leave the car unguarded it will be stripped when we get back. I hate to ask this of you but will you walk to the bar and sell yourself to get gas money". After some reassurance she took off. After a long wait, Mable got back with $20.25. Bob took the money and said, "what cheap SOB gave you a quarter?" Her reply, "all of 'em"

[Randimus Maximus]

"Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me" the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man replied.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her little mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job, lately, isn't he?"

[Duck-Stew]

derby

https://ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg1479299;topicseen#msg1479299

[herm]

derby

https://ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg1479299;topicseen#msg1479299

Forgot all about the "Derby."   

[ducpainter]

derby

https://ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg1479299;topicseen#msg1479299

It's always special when it's the same poster.

[ducpainter]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:
"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

[Randimus Maximus]

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."

[Randimus Maximus]

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided..."

[ducpainter]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the fuel crisis and the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to the Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Howie]

Never thought I would like being raped!

[Randimus Maximus]

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.

"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."

[Randimus Maximus]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"