DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

[Randimus Maximus]

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[ducpainter]

Junior and Louise were newly married and lying in bed one night Junior asked "how many men have you been with?" Louise rolled over and stared at the ceiling and lay there in total silence. Junior said "come on now you can tell me, we are married now and nothing is going to change that ". But Louise just lay there staring at the ceiling in silence. "Baby, I just thought that we could have an honest relationship and not keep any secrets from each other ". Still no change. Fearing that he had made her really mad, he apologized and said that he hadn't intended to upset her. Still staring intently at the ceiling in dead silence. He rolled over and hugged her tightly, showering her with kisses and apologizing profusely. She snapped out of her transe and in an angry voice said "now see what you have done, you made me lose count!"

[ducpainter]

Bob was a reformed hard core biker. He was no longer riding or wearing the colors, he had married Mable and settled down. They were having a hard time financially and one day were driving through a rough part of town on the way to a job interview that could pull them out of their problems and ran out of gas. Bob realized that they were only a few blocks from his old biker bar so he told Mable "if we leave the car unguarded it will be stripped when we get back. I hate to ask this of you but will you walk to the bar and sell yourself to get gas money". After some reassurance she took off. After a long wait, Mable got back with $20.25. Bob took the money and said, "what cheap SOB gave you a quarter?" Her reply, "all of 'em"