Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

 

Now Men....Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[dragonworld.]

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.   
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.   

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head.


The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

 

[dragonworld.]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
     
 
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

 
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'
               
 


 
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.   
This is Heaven!'

 
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
                                           
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'


Brrrrrrpppppp!!!

[sydmonster]

Thanks guys lorv these on a Firday arvo!! - Chris

[Jukie]

To all those under 50 to show them what they have missed!

 Black and White
(Under age 50? You won't understand.)  You could hardly see TV for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Bob.'

Don't forget Skippy


My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayonnaise on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming anywhere instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with bare feet instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah .. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the Castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the three and sixpence bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our backside smacked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbour's house either because if we did, we got our backside smacked on the spot, and then when we got home it happened all over again.

I recall Danny Andrews from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front verandah rail, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and smacked him for being such a fool.

 

It was a neighbourhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

Obviously we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes???

 

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

Well in my case I Did, HA HA HA




 
 

[dragonworld.]

And society has supposedly "PROGRESSED" since then ??


Yeah Right!!!

[Big T]

I remember all those far to well Jukie....

And to add a few:

I got the cane at school for being a dick.... And deserved it...

Our toilet was a wooden seat over a long drop where you could see what you had just deposited... Never made me crook...

Went bird nesting and put the eggs in my mouth to get them down the tree.... No diseases caught...

Lived on a farm. We slaughter our own meat, hung it in the shed and then ate it..... I'm still alive...

We ate fish we caught in the local bay (you would always catch a feed)...... Try that in Sydney Harbor now...

I swam in the Great Australian Bight with the sharks and rips and survived with no life guards...... You learnt very quickly how to get out of a rip...

Learnt to drive at 8 years old in the wet grassy paddock on the farm. And of course learnt to do "circle work".... Now that's driving skills....

Aaahhh those were the days.... Yea I know... Showing my age but dam I'm proud of it.... 

Ditto Dragon.......

[Jukie]

so Trev you actually did this 

I swam in the Great Australian Bight with the sharks and rips and survived with no life guards...... You learnt very quickly how to get out of a rip...

[dragonworld.]

Geeeez, all those terrible dangers and germs!! 

And those horrible games of cowboys and indians with toy guns !!

Made us such bad, unhealthy, antisocial misfits.

How ever did we survive and become adults without all that HELP that is available today?? 

[Big T]

so Trev you actually did this 
I swam in the Great Australian Bight with the sharks and rips and survived with no life guards...... You learnt very quickly how to get out of a rip..

Sure did Julie  ........... Can tell a few stories or two..... Mmmmm one day over a few drinks perhaps  .......

OOOhh that was in-between blowing shit up with fertilizer mixed with diesel....

[Jukie]

so when can i get you drunk

i wanna talk explosion with you


 

[dragonworld.]

Credit Crunch - The married version

Husband & Wife go shopping in a large department store, the man picks up a box of Stella & sticks it in the back of the trolley.  "What do you think you're doing?!" asks the wife.

"They're on offer, $20 for 24 cans", he says.  "Put them back, we can't afford it".
 

A few aisles later wife picks up a $40 facecream & puts it in the trolley.
 

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.  "It's my facecream, it makes me look beautiful", she says. 
 

The Husband replies "so does the 24 pack of stella, plus  it's half the make the beast with two backsing price!"

[Jukie]

he he he what this face cream stuff anyway , alway go for the aclohol make eberything so much better

[dragonworld.]

Beer goggles ROOOOOOLLL!!

[dragonworld.]

The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol ma y cau se you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer . Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'