Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

A man is in bed with his NewThai Wife. After having great sex,

she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something

she had lovingly done on many occasions.
 
 
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love

doing that?'
 
'Because I really miss mine'.   

[Jukie]

ha ha ha see you have to be careful with those type of women

[dragonworld.]

I reckon SHE would be a ummm "handfull" 

[slowpoke13]

I just left Thailand...

... And I don't know what to say...


lol.

[dragonworld.]

ummmm, hows about "Love you longtime???"     

[slowpoke13]

That was Vietnam... and someplace I'd still love to go.

But, I did hear it quite often.

[dragonworld.]

Douglas the crab

 

 

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply

and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship

until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

 

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

 

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a

mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of

crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk

 sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to

drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merrymaking, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters

all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose

from his throne.

 

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the

floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not

sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after

another!!  Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he

looked the King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

 

And finally, the crab spoke.......

 

 

 

 

 

"make the beast with two backs, I'm pissed."

 

[Jukie]

"DON'T GET TECHNICAL WITH ME!"
 
Tech support:             What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:    A white one...

===============
Customer:                Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:         Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer:                Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:         That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:                No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...

===============
Tech support:         Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:                Your left or my left?

===============
Tech support:         Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:     Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:         Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer:                Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============
Customer:                Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =
Customer:                I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:         Do you have a colour printer?
Customer:                Aaaah!... thank you!

===============
Tech support:         What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:                A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

===============
Customer:                My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:         Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:                No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:         Pick up your keyboard and walk ten paces back.
Customer:                OK.
Tech support:         Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:                Yes.
Tech support:         That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:                Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============
Tech support:         Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:                Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============
Customer:                Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:         Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:                Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:         Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:                Five stars.

===============
Tech support:         What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:                Netscape.
Tech support:         That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:                Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

===============
Customer:                I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============
Tech support:         How may I help you?
Customer:                I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:         OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:                Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer...

Tech support:         Are you running it under windows?
Customer:                'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

===============
And last but not least...

Tech support:         'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:                I don't have a P.
Tech support:         On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:                What do you mean?
Tech support:         'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer:                I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[sydmonster]

Thanks guys! needed that! - Chris

[Jukie]

anytime Chris

[Super T.I.B]

For the Victorians, who may follow the AFL.

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan – Twice


You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.



What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during sex?
The bus shelter


If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.



Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with pick up a stick and started to bash the dog with. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy " that was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story."
So the lady started think of headline....
"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not a Carlton supporter.
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he barracked for and he said Collingwood.
The next days headlines where " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"



Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our sex life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."


Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.


What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?
The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt to bed?
You ain't going to score.


A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."


A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
"How many children do you have?" the man at Centrelink asked.
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
"Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and Jaidyn," she replied.
"They're all named Jaidyn?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."


How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make
excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done
his job in the first place the light bulb would never have
gone out


A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a Collingwood supporter on the road he runs them over. But with a priest in the truck, he wouldn't be able to carry out his favorite pastime.
But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and forgo his fun for this one trip.
Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood supporter hitchhiking.
The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a huge "BOOM!"
The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry - I got him with the door


What's the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pricks on the outside


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be following Collingwood again this year?"


What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.


Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.


Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
What their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes
off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let
them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and
took little Billy aside to ask him if what he'd said was really true.
"No" said Billy ,"He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football
Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..."


Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite, prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what's a transvestite?', to which Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.


What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same direction?
Jailbreak!


What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.


A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.


How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.


What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.


A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."



Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

[Big T]

This one is for all the family....... And very cute.... 


Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.   

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[mattyvas]

Sent to me yesterday from a friend.


Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.  I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse.  I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice.  The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!  What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." 

[dragonworld.]

I reckon this COULD give you the irrits??     



I love this!.. I thought some of you would especially appreciate this one!

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.



The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[Two dogs]

Ive heard that it was the Greeks that invented sex
but it was the Italians that started to do it with woman .