Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

If yer offerin' ??

I'd lurv one or three!!         

[Jukie]

as many as you like My Dragon

[dragonworld.]

Retirement golf......

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years
Ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast .That's it', he tells his wife. I'm giving
Up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it
Went.'
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my brother
With you, and give it one more try'.
'That's no good', sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't
Help.
'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law, 'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
'Where did it go?', says Arthur.
'I don't remember.'

[Jukie]

Results of a recent survey show that there are 7 kinds of sex:
 
  The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex ..
  * This kind of sex happens when you first meet
  someone and you both have sex until you are
  blue in the face.
 
  The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
  * This is when you have been with your partner
  for a short time and you are so needy you will
  have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
 
  The 3rd kind ! of sex is called: Bedroom Sex .
  * This is when you have been with your partner
  for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
  you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
 
  The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .
  * This is when you have been with your partner
  for too long. When you pass each other in the
  hallway you both say 'screw you.'
 
  The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .
  * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
  in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
 
  The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex .
  * This is when you cannot stand your wife any
  more. She takes you to court and screws you
  in front of everyone.
 
  And; Last, but not least,
 
  The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.
  * You get a little each fortnight*

  But not enough to enjoy yourself.
 
 

[Jukie]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....



1. Men are like Laxative

 They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like .Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Jukie]

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!
.
.
Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME   
.
.
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MENstrual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

 
 

[dragonworld.]

A Powerful Message from Stevie  Wonder

      On Michael Jackson’s

      Death…


 ........ .. … … ..   …..
.. .  .. …    .   .     . ..   .  .. . ..  ….   .. .. . …    ..
...  ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
..     .  .  … .. .   . .  ..
... . .... ...  .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . ....  .....
. ..     . 
.   .      ..   . ..          .              ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
.  .. .. .
.. ....
..  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … ..
..  .... ... ... ... .......  ......  .....

Deep stuff.
I nearly cried when he said “. ..  .  .  . .. .. … .. .. . . ....  ....”

[dragonworld.]

A woman went to a Bunnings service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'


She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'


Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,





'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

 

[Jukie]

> Subject: The Penis Wants a Raise
>
> >> >>   The Penis Wants a Raise
> >> >>
> >> >>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
> >> >>reasons:
> >> >>
> >> >>1. I do physical labor.
> >> >>
> >> >>2. I work at great depths.
> >> >>
> >> >>3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
> >> >>
> >> >>4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> >> >>
> >> >>5. I work in a damp environment.
> >> >>
> >> >>6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
> >> >>
> >> >>7. I work in high temperatures.
> >> >>
> >> >>8. My work exposes me to diseases
>
>
> >> >>Dear Penis,
> >> >>
> >> >>After assessing
> >>your request, and considering the Arguments you
> >> >>have
> >> >>Raised, the management denies your request for the following
> >> >>reasons:
>
> >> >>1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
> >> >>
> >> >>2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
> >> >>period.
> >> >>
> >> >>3. You do not always follow the orders of the Management team.
> >> >>
> >> >>4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are Often seen
> >> >>visiting other locations.
> >> >>
> >> >>5. You do not take initiative - you need to be Pressured and
> >> >>Stimulated in order to start working.
> >> >>
> >> >>6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end Of your shift.
> >> >>
> >> >>7. You don't always observe necessary safety Regulations, such as
> >> >>wearing The correct protective
> >>clothing.
> >> >>
> >> >>8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. ( NOT TRUE !!!! )
> >> >>
> >> >>9. You are unable to work double shifts.
> >> >>
> >> >>10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
> >> >>Completed the assigned task.
> >> >>
> >> >>11. And if that were not all, you have constantly Been seen
> >> >>entering
> >> >>and Exiting the workplace carrying two Suspicious-looking bags.
> >> >>
> >> >>Sincerely, The Management
>
>
> >> >>5 reasons not to be a penis...
> >> >>1. You're bald your whole life.
> >> >>2. You have a hole in your head.
> >> >>3. Your neighbors are nuts
> >> >>4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
> >> >>5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then Faint.
>

[dragonworld.]

Zen!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off  and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14 Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[dragonworld.]

 A  married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer
a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50% . The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[dragonworld.]

Sound Familiar?? 

Police Complaint - just brilliant! 
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... 
--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ?
Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <?>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[brimo]

SOME OLD SOME NEW…………….

 

 

 

My wife sat down  on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. 

She asked,  'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

 

And  then the fight started...

 

******************************************

 

My  wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we  were

in bed.

 I turned to her and said,  "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then  said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this  time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a  friend."

 

And then the fight started....

 

******************************************

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my  lunch, grabbed 

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I  hooked up the boat up to 

the truck, and proceeded to back out  into a torrential downpour. The

wind was blowing 50 mph, so I  pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered  that the weather would be bad all day.

 

I went back into the  house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up  to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and  whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 

My loving wife  of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out  fishing in that?"

 

And that's how the fight started...

 

******************************************

 

I  rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how  sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem  funny? Yeah,

well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT  HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well,  then which one are you?"

 

And then the fight started.....

 

*****************************************

 

My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

 

And then the fight started...

 

******************************************
 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply  for Social 

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for  my driver's license

to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and  realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was  very sorry, but I would have 

to go home and come back  later. 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my  shirt revealing my 

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver  hair on your chest is proof

enough for me' and she processed my  Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my  wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have  gotten

disability, too.'

 

And then the fight  started....

 

******************************************

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school  reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as  she sat alone at a

nearby table. 

My wife asked,  'Do you know her?' 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I  understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many  years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober  since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could  go on

celebrating that long?'

 

And then the fight  started...

 

******************************************

 

A  woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not  happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible;  I look old, fat and ugly. 

I really need you to pay me a  compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near  perfect.'

 

And then the fight started.....

 

[Jukie]

ooohhh Brimo going to get into trouble

[brimo]

Yeah, probably should be a bit more discrete seeing as how Im getting married in 3 weeks