Friday Funnies??

[Betty]

This one has been around a while, but Jukie thought Matty would like it:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and
perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can
really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out
for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in
five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his brief case and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
 pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was
constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get
to work right away.' 'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted

Perhaps you should use Nikon to avoid any confusion 

[dragonworld.]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.



Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart ?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

[dragonworld.]

My doctor referred me to a urologist.


To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

Hyuk, yuk, yuk. "Doctor its me eyes I'm going blind"

[Super T.I.B]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out;  both were very       
Faithful and loving wives.  However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on 
Bacardi Breezers.   Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee,
So they stopped in the cemetery. 
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
Undies and use them.                                                       
Her friend however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of  undies that   
She did not want to ruin, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a     
Grave that had a wreath with a big ribbon on it,  so she proceeded to use 
The ribbon. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet   
And innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other     
Husband and said,  'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop.   I'm   
Starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no undies!'       
'You think that's bad' said the other husband,  'Mine is lying in bed with
A card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station -   
We'll never forget you.'

[dragonworld.]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will
> > > soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
> > > Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
> > > mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
> > > pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
> > > this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names
> > > of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
> > > old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the
> > > new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
> > >
> > > Thought for the day: There is more money
> > > being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
> > > Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
> > > should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
> > > huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
> > > with them.


 

[Spider]

A Kiwi bloke buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination........

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.....
 
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.....

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.....



 'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

 

[dragonworld.]

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'


Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays.. 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

 

[dragonworld.]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
>>>>> local
>>>>> golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you
>>>>> mind
>>>>> if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and
>>>>> enjoyed
>>>>>
>>>>> The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course,
>>>>> one of
>>>>> the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'You're joking!' was the response.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
>>>>> beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here
>>>>> are my
>>>>> tools.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the o ther friend, 'Can I
>>>>> take a
>>>>> look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked
>>>>> up
>>>>> the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
>>>>> see
>>>>> right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
>>>>> can
>>>>> See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
>>>>> her......
>>>>> He's naked, too!!!
>>>>>
>>>>> He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
>>>>> the
>>>>> trigger.'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Can you do two for me now?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Sure, what do you want?'
>>>>>
>>>>> 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
>>>>> mouth.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off
>>>>> to
>>>>> teach him a lesson.'
>>>>>
>>>>> The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
>>>>> a
>>>>> few
>>>>> minutes.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a
>>>>> grand here.....

[dragonworld.]

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'
 
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer..
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't  afford shoes.! 
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon  'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN 'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in  your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than  setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two. 
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[dragonworld.]

Sound advice for these uncertain times!
 
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you
would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
aluminum recycling you would have $214.00.

 

Based on the above, the best current investment strategy is
to drink heavily and recycle.

[dragonworld.]

 

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
 
 
 

[dragonworld.]

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS   
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one'. 

[dragonworld.]

A lady walks into Tiffany's.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[Betty]

Dragon, the D16RR version would be more appropriate here ... same plot, different context.

[Dannog]

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.