Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

[brimo]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out of the blue this morning to see if I was still around.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting and rekindling a little of the "old magic".


I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a lot older and my hair is grey  since you last saw me.
Plus I don't have the energy I used to have."


She just giggled and said, "I'm sure you will rise to the challenge".


I'll try." I said "As long as you don't mind a waistline a few inches wider these days.
Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.. my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!"


She laughed and said not to be so silly.


She teased me by saying that grey haired tubby men were cute and she was sure I'd still be a great lover.


Anyway she said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!.

So I told her to f@ck off.

[Jukie]

yeh that would be right, men huh

[dragonworld.]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
 
 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own make the beast with two backsing blanket.'
 

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

 



 
 

[Jukie]

he he he that sound or smells like Bazz

[bazz20]

 

[brimo]

[dragonworld.]

A man became increasingly frustrated with his marriage, particularly when his Mother-in-law decided to move in.
In despair, he took off for a holiday through the Italian countryside.
One day he came upon a most unusual funeral procession approaching the cemetery in a tiny village.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The visitor couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,
"I’m so sorry for your loss and I know it’s a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"May I borrow the dog?" asked the visitor.
"You want this dog................then get to the back of the line."

[Dannog]

Dragon, I think your slipping...we've had that one already ...... Still it worth repeating 

[dragonworld.]

Heh, night shift this week, and I just B  ???BLAH

Not firing on all cylinders.............where am I, who am I, who are all these people?? 

[FIFO]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the
first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding
bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was
a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled
and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more
than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

[Jukie]

Heard this one before. im surprised you still alive rob

[FIFO]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[Jukie]

he he he

[Dannog]

Mayonnaise and Beer

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.
 
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
 
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
 
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf
balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
 
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
 
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Cheers