Friday Funnies??

[Dannog]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. ....


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.  I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.  So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!'  Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Dockstrada]

Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Top one dannog

[dragonworld.]

Its been around a while but its a goodie!!

I've got 2 dogs.  I bought a  large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the  check-out.

A woman behind me asked if  I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting  The Meaty Bites Diet
again,  although I probably shouldn't  because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25  kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of  most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was  essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load  your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every  time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete  so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that  practically everyone in the line was by now
Enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if  I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been  poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going  to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out  the door.

Stupid pregnant dog...why else would I buy dog  food??

[dragonworld.]

And anothery 

Soon after Monica had to leave the White House, President Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. She was young and very sexy and before you knew it President Clinton was disarming her with, "Have you seen the Presidential Clock in my office?"

 

Sally replied, "No, Mr. President, I haven't even heard of the Presidential Clock."

 

Bill was right there with, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you!"

 

Sally hesitated and asked tentatively, "Mr. President, with all the problems you've had lately, do you think that's a good idea?"

 

"Of course it is! It's only to see the Clock, Sally!"

 

Bill leads the nervous intern to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them, then drops his pants to the floor, exposing his family jewels to her.

 

Sally, unsure and flustered, exclaims, "Mr. President, that is the Presidential Cock, not the Presidential Clock!"

 

Bill grins at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock!"

[dragonworld.]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

Dirty Minded Lot Arnt You??

[Jukie]

yes very much so, but cant help that it in my Jeans hehehehe

[Betty]

Suffering from 'old-timers' Dragon?

Officially I think I need to call Derby or something.

[dragonworld.]

I blame it on shift work Betty

I shouldnt go reading mail and posting stuff after shift at 2am.  I realised I'd dunnit previously as soon as I clicked the moose.

Ya wanna see the mess I made of my bank account one early morning after working a 12 hour arvo shift?? Trauma plus sorting out that mess.

[Jukie]

Betty knows what its like im a shift worker too

[dragonworld.]

Days In Hell



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,

he has his first meeting with the devil …



Satan: 'Why so glum?'



Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'



Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a

drinking man?'



Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'



Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do

is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink

'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry

about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'



Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'



Satan: 'You a smoker?'



Guy: 'You better believe it'



Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from

all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie,

you're already dead, remember?'



Guy: 'Wow … that's awesome!'



Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'



Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'



Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,

blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't

matter, you're dead anyhow.'



Guy: 'Cool!'



Satan: 'What about drugs?'



Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean …?'



Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day Help yourself to a great big

bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do

all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'



Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'



Satan: 'You gay?'



Guy: 'No…'



Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

[dragonworld.]

THE FACTS OF LIFE LADIES. (But we know you will still insist on trying to change us.  )

The Efficiency of The Male.

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. 

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Jukie]

i think i must be more male than female 

[dragonworld.]

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The Federal Government is sending each and every aged pensioner a $1000 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
( Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

[dragonworld.]

Here you are girls !!   And how many guys can relate to thid??  

Q:


How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman'sAnswer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this make the beast with two backs'n house knows HOW to change a make the beast with two backs'n light bulb! They
don't even know that the make the beast with two backs'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE make the beast with two backs'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the make the beast with two backs'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME make the beast with two backs'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO make the beast with two backsER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE make the beast with two backs'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE make the beast with two backs'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE make the beast with two backs'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[Jukie]

what are you saying dragon. if it was me i would just get a new light bolb and change it in a few minutes without asking for any bodies help.