Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

[Jukie]

Pilot/ATC Exchanges: .The following supposedly are actual, recorded, pilot/ATC exchanges.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
*******************************************************************


Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
***************************************************************


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f..ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
***************************************************************


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
************************************************************************************


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
*****************************************************************************


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose  Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
***************************************************************************************


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in  Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English. '
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in  Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
**********************************************************************************


Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...

We've already notified our caterers.'
*********** ********************************************************* **


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
**************************************************************************************


The German air controllers at  Frankfurt  Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land.'
***************************************** *************************************************************


While taxiing at  London 's  Heathrow  Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'


'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Heathrow was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

 

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

[bazz20]

  well done old chap

[dragonworld.]

Some of those really hit the spot!! Particularly when you have a bloody "Prussian" for a boss. 

Most post this anonamously on the notice board !! 

[Jukie]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin.

Four hours later I saw the same four men, carrying the same coffin.


Thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

[Jukie]

Typical Aussie Male

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands He walks into
a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes
his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the
evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants
to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'


'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[Jukie]

 The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were
> asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply
> a witty definition.
>
> Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
>
> Billabonk:       to make passionate love beside a waterhole
> Bludgie:           a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
> Dodgeridoo:     a fake indigenous artefact
> Fair drinkum:   good-quality Aussie wine
> Flatypus:           a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
> Mateshit:           all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
> Shagman:        an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
   Yabble:         the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
> Bushwanker:     a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
> Crackie-daks:   'hipster' tracksuit pants.
>
> And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
> Shornbag:       a particularly attractive naked sheep.

[Jukie]

Subject: Baptising an Irishman

 Aמ Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
 comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
 He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps
 into the preacher.
 The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
 by the
 smell of alcohol,whereupon he asks the drunk,
 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
 So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
 He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
 The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
 The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
 water again for a little longer.
 He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
 'Have you found Jesus, me brother?'
 The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.'
 By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
 drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down
 for about 30
 seconds and when he begins kicking
 his arms and legs he pulls him up.
 The preacher again asks the drunk,
 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
>
> The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says
> to the preacher,
> 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

[Jukie]

Spaghetti
 
 
 For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
 
 One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
 
 Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
 
 If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
 
 She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
 To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
 
 He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
 
 One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
 "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
 
 "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
 
 The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
 
 On the card was written:
 "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
 Three with meatballs, two without.
 Send extra sauce."

[bmroxm5]

hahaha 

jukie the jester just whipping them out today are we?

[Jukie]

yep why not

[dragonworld.]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
Basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
Mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
Enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
Cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
On head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
Areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
Making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
Them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and
Surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
The soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk..


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of bath t he whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
Fan on..


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
And make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed

[Jukie]

GEE  i think im i guy except for the Willy thing, and that Betty is a girl.

[Jukie]

DON'T FART IN BED       


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.  The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! 

Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the  bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had Got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'   

'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

[Jukie]

Finish this sentance

AS HAPPY AS