Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO                                  Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO                                  Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET                   A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET                   A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
                                     
VALUE INVESTING             The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO                         The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER                              What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR             Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST                      Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT                      When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
 
FINANCIAL PLANNER          A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION        The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW                         The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO                                 What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
 
WINDOWS                            What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR  Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT                                 An archaic word no longer in use.

[dragonworld.]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
 
 away.

 She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a

 resort.

 One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
 climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half
 tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
 straightened out and cut the water like a knife.


 After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
 we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

 After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her
 towel and was hardly out of breath.

 He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides
 of the Murray!!!
 

[Jukie]

see you just cant rush into marriage, you got to play a bit first

[dragonworld.]

see you just cant rush into marriage, you got to play a bit first

Heh, as long as possible. 

When the Dept of Supply withdraws Jollies priveleges then you mat as well be married!?   

[dragonworld.]

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Dazza is driving over the Gateway Bridge one day when he sees his
Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.
Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Shazza',he says

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

And drives off..

[Jukie]

dragon lets not encourage this sort of behavour 

[dragonworld.]

Of course not Jukie sweet!! I wouldnt think of it ??   

[Jukie]

yes i know you are a very good boy

[dragonworld.]

Of course, heh, heh, heh, heh,   

[dragonworld.]

 A  Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in

                        remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW

                        advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The

                        driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci

                        shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out

                        the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you

                        exactly how many cows and calves you have in your

                        herd, will you give me a calf?'

 

                        The jackeroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,

                        then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and

                        calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

 

                        The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell

                        notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR

                        V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

                        Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite

                        navigation system to get an exact fix on his

                        location which he then feeds to another NASA

                        satellite that scans the area in an

                        ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then

                        opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and

                        exports it to an image processing facility in

                        Hamburg , Germany .

 

                        Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm

                        Pilot that the image has been processed and the

                        data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database

                        through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with

                        email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,

                        receives a response. Finally, he prints out a

                        full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

                        miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns

                        to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586

                        cows and calves.'

 

                        'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my

                        calves,' says the Cowboy.

 

                        He watches the young man select one of the animals

                        and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into

                        the trunk of his car.

 

                        Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I

                        can tell you exactly what your business is, will

                        you give me back my calf?'

 

                        The young man thinks about it for a second and then

                        says, 'Okay, why not?'

 

                        'You work for the Australian Government', says the

                        Jackeroo.

 

                        'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how

                        did you guess that?'

 

                        'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You

                        showed up here even though nobody called you; you

                        want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a

                        question I never asked. You used all kinds of

                        expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid

                        for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me

                        you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ..

                        This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

[dragonworld.]

A  fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices  a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the  side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is  wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a
dog and a  cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely  fire
engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The  fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's  strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.

'Little  colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your  fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I  think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a  moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into  the fireman's eyes and says:

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't  have a f*cking  siren,  would I?'

[Jukie]

see you can mess with little girls can you now Dragon

[dragonworld.]

messing with girls CAN be fun hey Jukie?? Cant It ??     

[Jukie]

 i dont know what you means

[dragonworld.]

i dont know what you means

Uhuh?? Yep ?? Sure?? No worries, uhuh!!