Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

The Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[Jukie]

hey its that about you and me dragon

[Jukie]

Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. 

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
Very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. 

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
Themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. 

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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'   

'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?     
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
Announced, 'Not guilty.'     
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?' 

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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' 
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

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Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
Vase on the mantle piece?'     
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm  getting closer all the time.' 

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?     
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
Morning. I can't break her of it.     
Keenan:  What on earth is she doin' at that time?   
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'     
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.     
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' 

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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
Improve your wife's appearance?'   
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!' 

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon
Waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? 

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
And then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

[Jukie]

Voted best joke in  England  in 2007 

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?'

' Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!!!!'

[dragonworld.]

The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they always shared everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered





'THE TEETH.'

[Jukie]

see how nice it is too share aawwwhhh that is so sweet 

[dragonworld.]

see how nice it is too share aawwwhhh that is so sweet 

See!! I AM a caring. sharing sorta guy !!       

[Jukie]

yes you are you share everything with everyone

[dragonworld.]

Hows about an Irish Joke ?? To be sure.! 


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

[sydmonster]

Thanks guys, i needed that  . - Chris

[Jukie]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.


There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

 

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.'

The wife says,’ Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' asked the wife.

He says, 'Just hold its little nose'.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with, died at the scene.

[Jukie]

Never Tick Off A Nurse!
 

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
"Not with a carnation."

[dragonworld.]

Very Good Jukie.     

[dragonworld.]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.
 
After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant??!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Jukie]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably fishing with his mates.”

It took quite some time to restore order in the lecture room.