Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

DATING PROBLEMS

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only but only when
she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:


First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:


First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.   

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in
the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her
two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image
Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier   

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
Guy is shot dead.
No third date!!!

[Jukie]

FAMOUS QUOTES

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
 
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
 
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
 
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
 

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
 James Holt McGavra
 
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
 
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
 
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
 
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
 

[dragonworld.]

There are some definite truisms there in that little lot.     

[Jukie]

Important Information on the Stimulus Payment


"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
 This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
Format:


 "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
 "A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
 "Q. Where will the government get this money?
 "A. From taxpayers.
 "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
 "A. Only a smidgen.
 "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
 "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
       High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
 "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
 "A. Shut up."
_____________________________________________
 
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:


 If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
 If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
 If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
 If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or
New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
 If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
 If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
 And none of it will help the economy.
 We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by
Spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on
Prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.

[dragonworld.]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' 

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

     
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. 

-  Mark Twain

 

 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.'
- George Burns   
 
     
Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge
 
     
By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates 

 

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

-Groucho Marx
     

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor 
 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 

- Alex Levine
 
     
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 

- Rodney Dangerfield 
 
     
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

- Spike Milligan
 
     
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. 

- Joe Namath
 
     
I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 

- Bob Hope
 
     
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 

- W. C. Fields
 
     
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 

- Will Rogers
 
   
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Sir Winston Churchill
 
     
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.   

- Phyllis Diller
 
     
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   

- Billy Crystal   
 


 

[Jukie]

i have a ROSE named after me, that is my middle name

[dragonworld.]

i have a ROSE named after me, that is my middle name

Aaaah Jukie, are you saying you are a Rose amongst so many pr*#ks, errr aaahm I mean thorns ??   

[Jukie]

no iam a ROSE between all the wonderful guys on the DMF

[dragonworld.]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know  what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'   She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'   It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
 

[Jukie]

already got this one about a week ago dragon

[dragonworld.]

I cant remember that far back !! 

Sheeeesh !

What was your name again girlie?? 

[Jukie]

so you have now done Vince's trick and forgetting my name, Gee you guys are good. 

[dragonworld.]

So, here's the story. . .
   
 
   
   
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
 
   
   
 Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing

out a spouse was $5,000.
 
 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
 
 
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.  However, as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store.
 
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   


The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 (You're going to hate me for this ... )
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS

[Jukie]

ooohhh dear was a bit poor

[dragonworld.]

Well then, hows about this one?   

Patrick was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland.  Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.  He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Patrick did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.  One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.   They rowed out and found Patrick dead in the punt; beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.  Headlines next day in the newspaper, the 'Irish Times’ said ... Wait for it!

 


Wait for it!


Wait for it!


************************


OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!