Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

Poor Betty !   

[Jukie]

poor Betty what he is my baby.

[Betty]

Poor Betty !   

Its not too bad ... kinda used to it now when she takes me out wearing only a nappy and a bib.

Those man-size pilchers do have their advantages though.

[dragonworld.]

Baby's definately need a good spanking occasionally to keep them in line.   

[Jukie]

yes and i have just done that

[dragonworld.]

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School  Queensland , Australia, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
 
The outgoing message:
 
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
 
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
 
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
 
To complain about what we do - Press 3
 
To swear at staff members - Press 4
 
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter
and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
 
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
 
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
 
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
 
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
 
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
 
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
 
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.


LOVE IT. LOVE IT.     

[Jukie]

very very good this should be a compulsary message for all schools i reckon

[dragonworld.]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir..'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her book the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you keep your big mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, keep your big mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT THE F##K UP !!!
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's been drinking.'

Eeeeeeviil Woman   

[Dannog]

5 minute management course

Management Course Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Jukie]

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again..

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[dragonworld.]

                                                             

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...





BUMP........









BUMP........









BUMP........











Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.











BUMP........











BUMP........











BUMP........











He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

His head down and started walking briskly home.











BUMP........














BUMP........




















BUMP........

















The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

















BUMP.... BUMP.......

















BUMP........BUMP.......















BUMP........BUMP........













The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

Heard the coffin speed up after him ...











BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...












BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...












BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...










He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......









BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....









BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....











BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....









Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

Slumped into his comfy chair.









Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

Its chase ..










BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...










BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...









BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...









BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...









BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...










The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...









The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

Terrified lad.









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

The coffin ... still it came .......









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

Came......





BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......









BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...









He grabbed a bottle of Benadryl cough mixture and threw it ...
















The coffin stopped.   
 

[Spider]

1st of April 2009. The day Humour died. Place of death: the DMF.

After suffering through many sicknesses Humour finally passed away after a spectacularly bad joke by Gary.

Let us all take a minute to reflect the passing of this once great occurrence.

[dragonworld.]

Geeez some people!? I s'pose ya dont like Monty Python either??     

The Moral of Auntie Sharon


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.


Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.  One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'


'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.


'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'


'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.  But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'


'That was a fine story Sarah.'


Michael, do you have a story to share?'


'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.   


She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.


She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.


Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.


And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the f ....  away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking


 

[dragonworld.]

Here is one for the ladies to snigger at. 


Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
 
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,  as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her  husband and kids or for men in general, and was  used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping......

[Jukie]

see how men are easy distracted by women