Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

well congrates on the wedding hope it all goes well. and yes a bit more discrete

[dragonworld.]

Nah screw that "discreet" !! 

You just gotta live dangerously I reckon.     

[dragonworld.]

The lesbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my birthday.


Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch!!

 

[dragonworld.]

Things Got Ya Down?
 
Well then, consider these.....

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits... Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska  was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you're having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in  Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly....The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb....It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?

[dragonworld.]

Revenge or What??

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:
>
> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
> before last. Date:  05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
>
> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry
> jacket that you demanded that I
> hand over, shortly after you pulled the
> knife on my girlfriend and me,
> threatening our lives.
>
> You also asked
> for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
> I can only hope that you somehow
> come across this rather important message.
>
> First, I'd like to apologize
> for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol
> after you took my Jacket. The
> evening was not that cold, and I was wearing
> the jacket for a  reason.
>
> My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45
> ACP  pistol for  my birthday, and we had picked up a

shoulder holster for it that very  evening.
>
> You must agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon
> when pointed at your  head, wasn't it?
>
> I know it probably wasn't fun
> walking back to wherever you'd come from bare
> footed since I made you leave
> your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
> [That   prevented you from calling or running

to your buddies to come help mug us again].
>
> After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had
> her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode

of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up
> my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas
> station  on your credit  card.

The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
> was extremely  grateful!
>

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
> Vinnie Van Go Gos, along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his  day!]
>
> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp
> mobile" that was  parked at
> the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window
> and keyed the  entire driver's side of the car.
>
> Later, I called a bunch of
> phone sex numbers from your cell phone.  Ma Bell
> just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone

for a little > over a day now, so what's going on with that?
>
> Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone
> calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,

while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
> nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
>
> In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
> feel this  type of  retribution is a far more appropriate punishment

for your threatened  crime.
> I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
> rather  immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
> opportunity  to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've
> chosen to pursue in life.
>
> Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
>
> Have a good day!
>
> Thoughtfully yours,
> Alex
>
> P.S. Remember this motto.
> An armed society makes for a more civil society!
>

[brimo]

Tool descriptions for the mechanically challenged ……or folks who refuse to read the operator’s manual:
   
      DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting
the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set
in the corner where nothing could get to it.

      WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --'

      SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

      PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

      BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

     
        HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

      VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else  is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

     
        OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove
a bearing race.

      TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

     
       HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper..

      BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside
of the line instead of the outside edge.

      TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect.

      PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

      STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
and butchering your palms.

      PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.

      HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

     
        HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

      UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

      Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


We musn't forget the most useful tool.....the BAND AID.

     A totally useless piece of adhesive-backed gauze used in a futile
attempt to staunch blood flow from an arterial wound caused by the use
of any of the tools listed above.  It has several other variations,
which  include: shop rag, black tape, masking tape, duct tape and
 shirt tails.  It is important to remember that, if the wound is on any part
of your hand, you should first sterilize the wound by sticking it in
your mouth or putting it between your legs or under your armpits.

[brimo]

<snip>In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits... Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
<snip>

Not as far fetched as all it may seem, I used to work in telecommunications, particularly on power supplies and we were having an unexplained failure on the power supply to the AusSat downlink through Bendigo in Vic. This happened around the same time several nights in succession.
We hooked up some test gear and left it and sure enough it happened again and our gear showed an unexplained surge in power use.
One of my guys said he would sit there all night and watch the thing and see if he could spot anything going on and sure enough someone came in to the room and plugged a bloody floor polisher in to the bright red power outlets clearly marked "computer use only"
We did also have a similar one with security guys on patrol keying their mikes and shutting down the power supplies for the billing system for Telstra as well....same thing, unexplained shutdown at aparticular time of night.

[dragonworld.]

One For The Women. 


Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Betty]

Tool descriptions for the mechanically challenged

Thanks Brimo.

Here was me thinking I didn't have a clue ... seems I am doing things right.

[Spider]

I didn't find those tools descriptions funny....I have NEVER experienced ANY of those things. Brad will vouch for me.....right?....mate??

 

[Jukie]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?

The woman did not hesitate. She said, I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.


The woman thought for a minute and said, Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.

The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, Let me see that make the beast with two backsing map again.

[dragonworld.]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
 
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your arms dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows about this secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater

[Jukie]

yes very good, but my scar is now hurting

[dragonworld.]

Well try this one then.


An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams .

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her
shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the  halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
but I've already got the holes for that.'
 
 

[dragonworld.]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

 


   
  The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
   
  Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
   
  The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
   
  Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
  That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

  Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

  Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

  The teacher sat down and cried.