Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

naughty little johnny

[dragonworld.]

our Plod Brethren will like this one??   I double dare any of you to do this with a Tinny that you write!! 


 THE INITIALS AH
 



A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist  instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
 
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH"
in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH"
and demands to know what it stands for.

 
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record
he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
 
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy,
his signature and mine, same number at the top.
 
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation
on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer:  "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!

[Jukie]

Why wedding dresses are white....

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!



Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and repliess:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[bazz20]

Why wedding dresses are white....

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!



Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and repliess:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[dragonworld.]

Maybe not so funny???

PLEASE READ



A woman was working in a post Office in  California . One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using   
A sponge. That very day the lady found a cut on her tongue. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue.

 
She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong..
Her tongue was not sore or anything.. A couple
Of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began
 To get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat.  She
Went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done.
The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a
Lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When
The doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!
     
There were cockroach eggs on the seal of the
Envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of
Her tongue, because of her saliva, which was warm and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN!



Andy Hume wrote:  Hey, I used to work in an envelope
Factory. You wouldn't believe the....things that float around in
Those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked
An envelope for years!'
I used to work for a print shop(32 years ago), and we
Were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never understood
Why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
Envelopes that were already printed and saw several squads
Of cockroaches roaming around inside a couple of
 Boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue
On the envelopes.

  PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS!         

After reading this you will never lick
Another envelope or stamp again.   

[dragonworld.]

The following was  found posted very  low on a  refrigerator door.


Dear Dogs and Cats
The dishes  with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other  dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the  middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming  your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the  slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is  not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the  object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you  can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized  bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will  continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.   Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It  is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out  to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails  straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to  maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


For the last  time, there is no  secret exit from the bathroom! If,  by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it  is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get  your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must  exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using  the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not  required.


The proper order for kissing is:  Kiss me  first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot  stress this enough.


Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I  have posted the following message on the front door:


TO  ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR  PETS:


(1)  They live here.  You don't.   
(2)  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the  furniture.  That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.   
(3) I  like my pets a lot better than I like most people.   
(4)  To  you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters  who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak  clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids  because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3)  are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to  drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't  smoke or drink,
( don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to  buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for  college and
(11) if  they get pregnant, you can sell their children .....

[dragonworld.]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian
police officer stops them and says,

"Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro !"

"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German drivers asks.

"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"

"You canta pulla thata one on me !" says the Italian policeman. "Quattro
meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are
therefore breakinge the lawe!"

The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor
over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" the Italian says, "He cantta comea. He'sa buzy with a two guys
in a Fiat Uno

[dragonworld.]

The wife's cat ~~~

 

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and

decided to get rid of him one day by driving

him 20 blocks from his home and leaving

him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking

up the driveway.

             

The next day he decided to drive the cat

40 blocks away.

He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

 

                                 

He kept taking the cat further and further and

the cat would always beat him home.

                 

At last he decided to drive a few miles away,

turn right, then left, past the bridge, then

right again and another right until he reached

what he thought was a safe distance from his

home and left the cat there.

                                 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

    "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

               

    Frustrated, the man answered,

 

"Put that son of a ***** on the phone,

 

           

I'm lost!

 

And need directions!"

[dragonworld.]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Phuggin' good job too!! 

[Jukie]

yes good one dragon, you guys all like the look of boobies moving and being erectile

[dragonworld.]

Aint that what they were designed for originally?? 

Then some nuff nuff thought they'd be ok to feed babies too!

I like the primary design brief meself.

[Jukie]

yes im sure you do My dragon

[brimo]

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but theres no make the beast with two backsing way paper can beat rock. is paper supposed to magically wrap around a rock and leave it immobile? why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? screw scissors, why cant paper do this to people? why arent sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper cant beat anybody. a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. when I play rock, paper scissors, I always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit im sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

[Jukie]

yes good one Brimo never thought of that . remind me never to play with you

[dragonworld.]

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but theres no make the beast with two backsing way paper can beat rock. is paper supposed to magically wrap around a rock and leave it immobile? why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? screw scissors, why cant paper do this to people? why arent sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper cant beat anybody. a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. when I play rock, paper scissors, I always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit im sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

I could just imagine the 3 stooges doing a politically incorrect sketch on this?? 

Aaaah the good old days of gratuitous violence masquerading as comedy!