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Author Topic: DMF joke thread  (Read 429012 times)
Randimus Maximus
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« Reply #2190 on: July 01, 2024, 08:33:01 PM »

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents looked at the truck and his father asked, “Where did you get that truck?”

"I bought it today," answered the boy.

“With what money?" demanded his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," the boy said, "this one cost me just 15 dollars."

The father looked at him like he was crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name - she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed his mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go up there and see what's going on."

The boy's father walked up the street to the woman’s house, where she was outside planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asked her why she did it.

"Well," she said, “Two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father said. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"

"Well, this morning he called and said he was stranded because his wallet with all his cash and credit cards was stolen and told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
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ducpainter
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DILLIGAF


« Reply #2191 on: July 03, 2024, 01:57:03 PM »

A man named James, who was running a charity for his local town noticed that the wealthiest person in town, a successful lawyer, had never donated a cent of money to any charity, so he decided to pay him a visit in his office one day.

“Mr Reynolds”, he asked the lawyer, “I don't want to be judgmental, but I noticed that you're a multi-millionaire, the richest person in town, but you’ve never made any donations to charity. Would you please consider donating some of your money to help those who are less fortunate than yourself?”

Mr Reynolds sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and said indignantly, “listen here, you self-righteous judgmental bastard, are you aware that my mother is developing dementia and needs a full-time carer, which won't be cheap?!”

“No, I didn't realize that”, James replied, lowering his head in shame. “I’m sorry.”

“And are you aware that my wife has an aggressive form of cancer and will die in agony if she does not undergo a very expensive medical procedure?”

“No, I wasn't aware of that”, James responded. “I am so sorry about that and realize that it was presumptuous of me to assume that it was lack of compassion and generosity that was the reason why you haven't…”

“And are you aware that my daughter was recently hit by a car and will require intensive and expensive operations and surgery if she is ever to have anything close to a worthwhile life?”

“No, I didn't. I can't put into words how sorry I am, and how utterly ashamed I am of myself.”

Finally, the lawyer said, “Well, if I’m not going to spend any of my money to help my sick family, what makes you think I’d ever give any to you?!”
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


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« Reply #2192 on: July 04, 2024, 08:16:33 AM »

 laughingdp laughingdp
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“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
ducpainter
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« Reply #2193 on: July 06, 2024, 11:45:53 AM »

The wife of B. B. King (the famous blues guitarist) wanted to give him an unforgettable present for his birthday. She had a "B" tattooed on each butt cheek.

When B. B. came home she yelled "Happy birthday!", turned around, dropped her pants, and bent over.

B. B. said, "Who is BoB?"
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


ducpainter
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« Reply #2194 on: July 06, 2024, 12:12:31 PM »


I recently spent $9,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow, let alone breed with one.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Concerned, I had the vet come out and take a look at him.

The vet said, "You bull is very healthy, but he seems to be more dud than stud when it comes to his desire to breed with your cows", so he gave me these pills to feed him once per day.

Within a couple days the bull started to service the cows……. all of my cows!

He went so far as break through the fence to my neighbor's pasture and bred with all of his cows too!

He's was like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


kopfjäger
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« Reply #2195 on: July 06, 2024, 03:52:20 PM »

The wife of B. B. King (the famous blues guitarist) wanted to give him an unforgettable present for his birthday. She had a "B" tattooed on each butt cheek.

When B. B. came home she yelled "Happy birthday!", turned around, dropped her pants, and bent over.

B. B. said, "Who is BoB?"

 laughingdp laughingdp laughingdp
Logged

“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Randimus Maximus
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« Reply #2196 on: July 07, 2024, 06:54:13 PM »

My neighbor Janet stopped by for coffee and told me she got drunk last night and ate some Scrabble tiles just because it seemed like fun.

I looked at her and said, “Are you crazy? Your next poop could spell disaster!”
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Randimus Maximus
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« Reply #2197 on: July 08, 2024, 03:32:22 PM »

An American history professor decided he wanted a large mural painted in his home. He commissioned a famous artist and explained that he wanted him to paint what he thought General Custer’s last thoughts were during his last stand.

He went on vacation and returned home and found a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many Native Americans in erotic sexual positions.

The professor called the artist and shouted, “Why the make the beast with two backs have you painted pornography on my wall? I wanted your impression of Custer’s last stand!”

“That’s exactly what I did,” the artist replied. “I call it ‘Holy Cow, That’s a Lot of make the beast with two backsing Indians.’”
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ducpainter
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DILLIGAF


« Reply #2198 on: July 08, 2024, 03:38:00 PM »

 Grin waytogo
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


Randimus Maximus
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« Reply #2199 on: Yesterday at 08:37:10 AM »

A kid just finished writing a paper for class.

He typed the title: “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off.

Just as he was about to hit save the screen went black.

He did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work.

After a few minutes the boy’s dad walked in and said, “The power went out.”

“What do you mean the power went out?” the boy asked.

The father responded sarcastically, “No juice.“

“I just finished my paper for class and I didn’t get to save it!” exclaimed the boy.

“Which paper?” asked his dad.

“1000 Ways to Cure an Itch,” the boy replied with a frown.

His father smothered a laugh and said, “Well, I guess you’ll have to start again from scratch.”
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ducpainter
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DILLIGAF


« Reply #2200 on: Today at 03:07:29 PM »

My father was an asshole, too. Grin
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”


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