A Truly Funny Letter

[mags]

Apparently, this is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Enjoy--

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong".

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[LMT]

            

Just wait till she gets to my age.  It ALL happens in 24 hours.  I wish I could stay locked in the house.

[mbalmer]

That was great! Thank goodness for depo provera injections.

[T-byrd]

That right there is f*cking hilarious! 

T

[duqette]

 
 
 

[Qwack]

I had that sent to me a few month ago..very funny a letter to share with all the Ladies   

[DesmoDiva]

 

That's why I use a Diva Cup. 

[TiNi]

gotta love the f-16 in your pants 
funny stuff mags!

[Ducatista]

That's why I use a Diva Cup. 

When I race, I'm going to seek support from Instead. 

[empress duc]

what a hoot!

i use instead... great for bopping around,
but not so great for yoga (i'm a teacher)
i'd like to try the diva cup to see if it lives
up to the claims. 

prior to using cups i was all about always
and it never occurred to me that i had an
F-16 in my panties... that's reassuring!

thanks for sharing and props to the author!

[DesmoDiva]

the diva cup is far better that the instead.  I used the instead to test the idea of the diva cup and just found they didn't fit me that well.  Had leakage issues. 

I have been using the diva cup for about a year and half, wondering what took me so long to try it.  It rocks 

Since I started using it I have a lot less cramping too.   

Anyone feel free to PM if you have questions about the diva cup. 

[Betty Rage]

Less cramping huh?

I always wondered if tampons cause more cramping, maybe the cup will be in order. Well, once I'm getting regular cycles again. 

On a different note, I think this is the one thread that the DMF guys will FINALLY stay away from. 

[kutter]

NeenjaMastah 18 years of marriage and a wife who is in the middle of menopuase and you think some words on a computer monitor is supposed to scare us. Scary is not having chocolate in the house, now THAT is some frightening stuff!   

[Betty Rage]

Ha ha, I stand corrected then!! 

[Ducatista]

NeenjaMastah 18 years of marriage and a wife who is in the middle of menopuase and you think some words on a computer monitor is supposed to scare us. Scary is not having chocolate in the house, now THAT is some frightening stuff!   

However, people of your demographic are generally not the leg humpers.

And the next time I buy a box, I'll have to try the Diva Cup.  It's pretty infrequent now, since my OBGYN put me on a new pill.