The Genuine/Official (more or less) NMMR Joke Thread

[TheMav]

OMFG!  I almost bailed out of my chair!  If you've never had a horse bust ass in front of you, don't try it at home.  An open flame is certainly not advised.  Mine does it to me on purpose, little snothead. 

[Lance Thruster]

Dude!  I dug the farting horse video.  That was off the hook, man.  Here is my favorite superbowl commercial.  It would be perfect if that sheep was an alpaca.   

[Kawboy]

Here is what we have to look forward to:   

[bonfy]

OMG!!  What  a roar!  I'd never be able to get my ass into that thing.  Love those dancers!

[Zaster]

THE  HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
 After  their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was  enough, as they  could not afford a  larger bed.So the  husband went to  his veterinarian and told  him that he  and his cousin didn't want to  have any more  children.The doctor told him  that there was a  procedure called a  vasectomy that could fix the  problem but that  it was expensive. "A less  costly alternative," said the  doctor, "is to  go home, get a cherry  bomb, (fireworks  are legal in  Alabama) light it, put  it in a  beer can (COORS), then hold the  can up to  your ear and count to  10."The Alabamian said to  the doctor, "I may  not be  the smartest tool in  the shed, but I  don't see how  putting a cherry  bomb in a  beer can next  to my ear  is going to  help me.""Trust me," said the doctor.So the  man went home, lit a cherry bomb and  put it in  a beer can. He  held the can  up to his  ear and began to  count!     "1""2""3""4""5"At which point he  paused, placed the beer  can between his legs and continued counting on his  other hand.(This procedure also works in  Tennessee , Minnesota, Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West  Virginia , Washington DC, and in some eastern providences of Texas  .)

[xsuperbikeracerx]

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class. As the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard:   T T T 1 A ..

She looked at the children and said, 'Who wrote this?'

Little Keith raises his hand and says, 'I did, teacher.'

Well, what does that mean, Keith?" Asked the teacher.

Keith answers, 'It means,' To The Teacher 1 Apple 'and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

'Very good,' says the teacher, 'Thank you'.

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom and notices once again, something written on the board. 
This time, the chalkboard reads:  T T T 1 O  -

She asked the children, 'Who wrote this?'

Then little Bobby answers, 'I did, teacher.'

The teacher says, 'Well, Bobby, what does that mean?'

Bobby says, 'It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange', and he gives the teacher an orange.

'Very nice, Bobby, thank you', said the teacher.

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board:  'F U C K 1 T'.

Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, 'WHO WROTE THIS!?!'

Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, 'I did, teacher.'

Angrily, the teacher asks, 'Well, what does this mean, Juanito? '

It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids, 1 Tamale.'

It's always the little Chicano kids that get in trouble for no reason at all?
 

[kingbaby]

Wow, I feel honored.   I've known the "Angry Johny Joke"  for over 30yrs. 

 I like this Spanish/Mexican version better.        


Heeeeeere  teacher, teacher            

[Zaster]

Here is what happens when I can't ride ....I come up with sinister ways to make
you laugh
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[bonfy]

That was a good one, Zaster!

Here's an old favorite of mine:


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man
gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push,"  he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
 "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
 
 

[TheMav]

Mom said I could be anything I wanted, but I never wanted to be an attorney.......

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to
                    you that morning?
WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:    My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the
                    impact?
WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:    No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
                   memory at all?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:    I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of
               something you forgot?
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
               person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
               the next morning?
WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:    Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was
               August 8th?
WITNESS:    Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:    Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:    By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:    Take a guess.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:    Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
               male.
____________________________________
   
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
                performed on dead people?
WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
               fight.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
               school did you go to?
WITNESS:    Oral.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the
            body?
WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 
And the best for last:
 
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
               you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was
               alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:    No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
               jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been
               alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been
               alive and practicing law.

[Zaster]

Enjoy:
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[Kawboy]

I found this cute.  Check the homework before kids take it to school.



(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.  Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it i n.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

[Zaster]

Let me know how you did
http://www.kongregate.com/games/Rete/dont-shit-your-pants
Helps to think or in this case sh.. outside the box

[Zaster]

Just would like to see how good my fellow monsters are in getting this right:

[Zaster]

How cruel is this:
http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/image001.jpg
Maybe if he buys a Desmosedici he will fell like a real man again....never mind ...he won't be
able to reach the controls