The Genuine/Official (more or less) NMMR Joke Thread

[Scottish]

Roping a Deer

Author unknown - for good reason!!!!

Actual letter from someone who farms, He writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no
chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand....kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull.. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse.. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds..

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated, Bruised and Bleeding Rancher........................

[KRJ]

Good story, Scottish
I can confirm the powerful fight these animals have, in 1987 I worked for an excavating company on a job at the Royal Gorge Bridge, nearby was a rock quarry where several of my friends also worked, in the evenings We would all meet at the picnic area and drink beer,discussing the days adventures. While doing this, the local, basically tame deer population would come right up looking for handouts, We would feed them, even petting them at times. One friday after a few beers, one of the quarry employees, [who will remain nameless] opened the back doors of his ford van, and produced a head of cabbage and a claw hammer. stating He was "Gonna git Me that buck" We all thought He was joking. After luring a rather large four point buck to the back of the van and having it eat cabbage out of his hand, He swung and hit the deer in the head with the side of the hammer. The Fight Was ON!!  The guy grabbed the deers antlers and went for the ride, about 100yds, slamming from the deers back to the ground like a rag doll, repeatedly. finally the deer threw him off and ran away, We were all laughing so hard We couldnt move. We finally realized the guy was in trouble and took him to the hospital, He screwed up his neck and back, concussion, broken nose, antler gore thru his right hand, took months to heal. To this day I can't think about that scene without laughing, for several years We all got together to celebrate "Norm's deer hunt"   and yes this is a true story !!!

[Scottish]

 

[bonfy]

 

Score:

Deer                          2
Stupid Humans            0


I'll bet the deer stopped coming around for the handouts after that surprise attack.     

[Kawboy]

So far it's a shutout.  Not even close.  Next we'll have a drunken cowboy trying to ride one like a bull. 

Take note of the spelling.  It's "cowboy" not "Kawboy".  I do my bull riding in Red River with a nice soft pad to fall on.   

[Zaster]

My niece in Germany sent me this joke and I'm trying to translate it:
 There was a young man who travelled to the nearest town to buy a birthday present for his new girl friend.  Since they just met he decided after careful consideration to buy a pair of gloves. ..a somewhat romantic gift but not too personal. His younger sister accompanied him to the department store and he found a lovely pair of white fur lined gloves. His sister bought a set of sexy panties and as luck would have it, the sales person switched the items when she wrapped the gift. On his way out of town the young man stopped at the post office to mail the gift with the following note: “My dear, I decided to get these for you since I noticed that you didn’t wear any when we got together in the evening.  I personally would have preferred the taller style but I was told that the shorter ones can be removed quicker. I know that white is a sensitive color but the sales lady showed me hers which she wore for more than three weeks and they don’t look dirty at all. I asked her to try on yours and they looked great on her. I wish I could be there to put them on you for the first time. When you take them off you should blow some air into them since they might retain some moisture while wearing them. I hope you wear them on our date this Friday.
                    Love  
P.S.: For the latest style… fold them back a bit to show some fur

  Could be my translation skills, but it sounds funnier in German.

[Scottish]

 
 I dunno Zaster, it's pretty funny in english too!

[Ratfink749]

Its been a while but I have heard that joke in English as well.  A classic that never gets old as far as I'm concerned!   

[Scottish]

Subject:  Is sex work?



A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of
it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon
his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

[Ratfink749]

Found on another forum.. Definitely worth sharing:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said:
“Out of all your friends, you're the biggest..  “

[bonfy]

 

[Scottish]

 

[dusty]

  

[Zaster]

It's all in the wording you see.
  
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling!
It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in  Montana   in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid  share this common ancestor..

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in  Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.."


NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!
Its all about how you write it! Spin comes to my mind

 

[Duck-Stew]

Twisted...  Seriously twisted!