The Genuine/Official (more or less) NMMR Joke Thread

(Stolen from someone who probably stole it from someone else.. but hell I laughed at some of it.. figured I'd pass it on)

The secret diaries of MotoGP Stars:
CASEY STONER

Monday
This morning we got up real early to drive up to the Top End. Adriana asked us to make some coffee. It was unreal because we got a really good setup on the bean grinder almost straight away but then... I dunno... maybe the temperature changed or something because all of a sudden we didn't get the sort of bean grinding performance we needed. So Adriana made tea.

Tuesday
We spoke to Mr. Suppo on the phone and it went real good. We told him we are feeling much better and will be back racing at Estoril. Unless we don't feel good and then we won't. Mr. Suppo was happy with us but Jorge must have parked his scooter in one of our spots because all Mr. Suppo could talk about was "make the beast with two backsing Lorenzo. The make the beast with two backsing Brian W. make the beast with two backsing us around like that." We need to be careful where we park our scooters.

Wednesday
Here we are in the Top End! It's real good. The Maloo ran real good on the way up. We don't know why other people can't drive their utes at 240km/h everywhere. Maybe the media should ask them.

Thursday
We went fishing for barramundi today. At first it was real good as we got a real good setup on the fishing rod. But then our wrist started to hurt and we couldn't run the level of tension we needed on the reel. This was disappointing because we thought were in with a chance of catching a fish today and it's frustrating that our wrist didn't let that happen. But we'll try to stay positive and move on to the next river bend.

Friday
The team must be real excited to have us back as it looks like everyone is working on our bikes. We had a real good text from Nicky and he said "that dumb sunovapregnant dog Kallio has screwed ur motorz dewd". It's great that even another rider is pitching in to help our mechanics prep our bike.

VALENTINO ROSSI

Monday
In the beginning, this morning I get up early and I do a big shit. I say to Uccio to take her and make gold plate on her and take her to hospital of sick children so all can enjoy her.

Tuesday
Today I am very, how you say, tired. I sleep in the bushes outside the villa of Signore Stefano Domenicali so we can make the Formula 1 talks this morning. Maybe he not see me because he drive very fast past me. I chase him on scooter but he have Ferrari 599 and I have Yamaha T-Max so is not so easy to make the catch.

Wednesday
Today I tell Uccio to put on clothes of cleaning lady and go in other side of garage. He check everything and other side has toilet paper the same like my side! I tell Signore Jarvis maybe he thinks this is right but I think this is not right and other side should use my toilet paper after I use. Signore Jarvis say, "For make the beast with two backs's sake." then I say Ducati have nice toilet paper and Honda are making the ultrasonic arse cleaning machine so maybe he think about that.

Thursday
Today Mr. Burgess make a very good idea on the M1 bike. When you take 2nd gear, if your name start with 'J' then the bike, she explode. I tell this idea to Mr. Furasawa but he say nothing. This how Japanese peoples say yes I think.

Friday
Uccio, he tell me, that there is newspaper in west part of China that has no picture of me today. We both cry for the sadness of this. I try to make a help for this peoples. I paint my balls yellow and Uccio take picture and send to Chinese peoples. Now they can be happy and see my yellow balls when they eat cat for breakfast tomorrow.

JAMES TOSELAND

Monday
Today me and Gary made some very good progress on setup. I was thrilled. We put an extra three clicks of rebound damping on the sustain pedal. It really helped me with the middle 8 of "Could It Be Magic?" Loads of voicemails from that Poncheral bloke asking me questions about motorbikes. He needs to cool it.

Tuesday.
I so needed a wax so I just had the whole kit and kaboodle done at Pink Planet. Feels so good. I look like Dani down there now. Ran into Suzi Perry there, probably trying to get her money back.

Wednesday
I stuck my head round the wall in the garage just to say "Hi" to Misery Guts Colin. Oh! My! God! He stuck a gun in my face and told me to "Back it the make the beast with two backs up and get back to the make the beast with two backsing circle jerk with the other make the beast with two backsing losers".

Thursday
Still a bit upset about Misery Guts and the way he spoke to me yesterday. I got the boiz to move the bike to one side of the garage to make some space for me. Then I put some Basshunter on my iPod and danced on my own for a couple of hours.

Friday
I spoke to Roger on the phone today. I told him I didn't think the crew chief swap had worked out. I mean, I did hate Guy's hair but he did know what he was doing. I said to Roger maybe I'd been a bit hasty and we should swap back next year. Roger laughed and said that was one thing I definitely didn't need to worry about. So that's that sorted then, he's such a good manager.

JORGE LORENZO - translated from the Spanish

Monday
What is a man? What can a man be? As I looked in the mirror for 8 hours today I resolved this question. The sight of my long limbs and clear, intelligent eyes showed me exactly the essence of man. Then I tripped and fell through the mirror.

Tuesday
Today I went with PalaWeb to Starbucks. Glittering tears filled my eyes as I successfully ordered a tall skinny latte in a vente cup. Is it too much to imagine that the constellations aligned themselves precisely to allow this shining triumph of the human spirit to occur? Perhaps only the most mean minded cynics would deny such a thing. As I planted a celebratory flag in the counter top the barista was so happy, so absolutely consumed by the most feverish species of joy possible for a human being, that she couldn't even smile.

Wednesday
I carry a grave and heavy burden today. An enormous black boulder of fear and anxiety. It is my concern that the iPhone of His Majesty King Juan Carlos I is not working as it should. I sent him a message on Facebook suggesting that Spain be officially renamed to the more simple and appropriate La Tierra de Lorenzo but he has not replied. I have similar concerns about the battery in the Palm Pre belonging to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon.

Thursday
There appears to be some florid and ostentatious band of Italian petty criminals and gypsies lurking in the other side of my garage. I shall have them removed instantly. In fact, using just the power of my mind I shall imagine that they doesn't exist and hence they won't.

Friday
As I rode my M1 today it seemed that it trailed a beautiful corona of silver, glittering stars in space. Those who would seek to deny these things would, of course, say that I imagined it. Did I? Did I really? Or perhaps they imagined that I imagined it don't you think? I noticed that the team has taken my spare bike and are fitting a gun rack and cow horns on it. This must be a special tribute to me.

BEN SPIES

Monday
Damn. More spam email. Always from this ‘crasher41@hotmail.co.jp’ guy. This one just says “make the beast with two backs YOU BEN! I LIED TO DEAN ADAMS FOR YOU AND SAID MY KID LIKED YOU! make the beast with two backs YOU!”

Tuesday
Well, I’ll be dipped in dogshit, turns out I was wrong. Nicky can be a dude’s name too. Goddam those Kentucky mothermake the beast with two backsers! How’d y’all like that? A dude called Nicky!

Wednesday
Colin was complaining about front end chatter. I just told him. Plain and simple. “Suck it up, princess. Ride through that shit. It’s no country for old men out there.”

Thursday
Hit up my bro Hopper on the Facebook talkin’ ‘bout pit lane honeys. He said “At Donington just jerk off instead and when you get to the Sachensring bring a Weed Whacker.” WTF? It’s gonna be some long months till we hit Laguna.

Friday
So that cat Rossi comes slidin’ over to our garage and was fixin’ to start flappin’ his pasta hole. I gave it to homeboy straight. “Yo, I’ve had my balls busted for three years by the goddam master – Mladin. So you’ve got no shot buddy. Now git or it won’t be your purdy yella panties you’re pullin’ out of your butt on your next out lap it’ll be my size 12 Alpinestars boot.”

THE SECRET DIARY OF DANIEL PEDROSA, AGED 13¾

Monday
I saw Randy go into his motorhome with two GIRLS! I ran over to ask him what he was doing. I said if he was going to play Forza 3 on the 360 then I was allowed to play for 30 minutes but if they were going to play Mass Effect 2 then I couldn't play at all because I'm not allowed to play that type of game. Randy said they were beta testing a new game called Ménage à Trois and I probably wouldn't like it. How does he know I won't like it? He's not the boss of me.

Tuesday
I am very angry. Today Andrea and Jorge stole my helmet. They would not give it back to me even though I told them that Mr. Puig makes me pay for all my gear from my allowance. They kept throwing it back and forward and wouldn't give it back to me unless I turned on the spot 200 times while saying "I'm a gaylord." over and over again. I think my lap times weren't so good because I still felt dizzy and sick.

Wednesday
Very big news today, dear diary. I saw Andrea smoke a CIGARETTE behind the Bridgestone truck with some other boys from Tech 3. I immediately ran to tell Mr. Puig. He said I had done the right thing to tell him then he sent me straight to bed without supper for being a tell tale. Andrea pushed a note under my door to say he was going to get me. I'll tell if he does.

Thursday
Hoorah! I finally got Rayquaza in Pokémon HeartGold! Then Marco told me he would think about letting me be his second best friend if I gave him my Nintendo DS. So I did and then Marco said that in return I could sometimes stand quite close to him if nobody else was watching. Marco is so cool. I'd like to have my hair like his but Mr. Puig wouldn't allow it.

Friday
Today Mrs. Capirossi smiled at me. That's the second time this week. It made me have that funny feeling below my tummy again. Maybe tonight I'll have that dream again where my engine blows out its coolant and the end of the Sepang straight.