DMF joke thread

[zooom]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

nice!...jokes at the expense of the AARP membership are always funny!

[ducpainter]

nice!...jokes at the expense of the AARP membership are always funny!

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[fastwin]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

[Howie]

A young man was given a parrot by a friend who was leaving the country and could no longer keep it.  He was pleased with the gift until he found that the parrot could talk and had learned almost nothing but swear words.  The parrot would curse him from the moment he saw it in the morning until he covered it's cage with a towel at night.

After a day and a half of this, he'd had enough and determined to make the parrot quit.  He tried being especially quiet and speaking gently to the bird, but the parrot intensified its efforts and swore up a blue-streak.  Finally, the young man lost his temper after one particularly obscene outburst and grabbed the parrot off of its perch and shoved it into the freezer and shut the door.

The parrot screamed and swore inside the freezer for a short time and then there was silence.  The silence persisted and the young man, thinking that he might have frozen the parrot quickly opened the freezer and let the cold bird sit on his arm.

After warming up a bit, the parrot said, "I'd like you to know that I'm truthfully sorry for my poor behavior and vile language.  I promise with all my heart to try to make it up to you and I also promise that I will never curse again."

The young man was stunned.  Just as he opened his mouth to answer the parrot, the parrot said in a very meek voice, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[dolci]

 

[Jaman]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

 
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

 The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

[ducpainter]

 

[dolci]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.
 
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a jackass lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local  police station.
 
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
 
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
 
 Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression
that you people took care of the last rites!"
 
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . .
 
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[zooom]

NICE ONE HUNNY!

[THUMBSUP]

[Ddan]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."   The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

 

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

 

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

 

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Desert Dust]

Ha ha! That's excellent! And it's a clean one.

[Popeye the Sailor]

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Michigan UP. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Popeye the Sailor]

Dave decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she
finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking. Now that we are married, I think it's time you
quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and
boat."

Dave gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[swampduc]

A young man was given a parrot by a friend who was leaving the country and could no longer keep it.  He was pleased with the gift until he found that the parrot could talk and had learned almost nothing but swear words.  The parrot would curse him from the moment he saw it in the morning until he covered it's cage with a towel at night.

After a day and a half of this, he'd had enough and determined to make the parrot quit.  He tried being especially quiet and speaking gently to the bird, but the parrot intensified its efforts and swore up a blue-streak.  Finally, the young man lost his temper after one particularly obscene outburst and grabbed the parrot off of its perch and shoved it into the freezer and shut the door.

The parrot screamed and swore inside the freezer for a short time and then there was silence.  The silence persisted and the young man, thinking that he might have frozen the parrot quickly opened the freezer and let the cold bird sit on his arm.

After warming up a bit, the parrot said, "I'd like you to know that I'm truthfully sorry for my poor behavior and vile language.  I promise with all my heart to try to make it up to you and I also promise that I will never curse again."

The young man was stunned.  Just as he opened his mouth to answer the parrot, the parrot said in a very meek voice, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[fastwin]

I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Michigan UP. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An oldie but still a goodie!! I'd forgotten that one so thanks for the memory jolt!