DMF joke thread

[Speedbag]

I told my girlfriend I was planning to buy her a 10 karat engagement ring.

She said, "Nothing would please me more!"

So, I skipped it and bought new pipes for my motorcycle.

[ducpainter]

 

[Kopfjager]

 

[ducpainter]

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....           
           
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.  I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..   
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
           
I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.  You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.  Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Blackout]

Wow I can totally picture that!

[ducpainter]

Wow I can totally picture that!

The visual is frightening.

[Speedbag]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, '"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

[GK]

Well played Chuck!

[NAKID]

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....           
           
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.  I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..   
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
           
I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.  You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.  Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[triangleforge]

[Jaman]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!”
Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the make the beast with two backsin' ship?"

[Kopfjager]

 

[Jaman]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room
and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's
every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

[Kopfjager]

 

[koko64]