DMF joke thread

[herm]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

[herm]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom....

[herm]

To get to the bottom....

Thank you.... I'll be here all night.

[Speedbag]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[kopfjäger]

 

[Jaman]

lol, thx, needed that!

[Jaman]

My Wife just nudged me and said "You weren't even listening, were you!"

...and I thought to myself "What a strange way to start a conversation...."

[kopfjäger]

“She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.”

[ducpainter]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three"

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him
even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really...."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Jaman]

  Love the Socrates joke! 

Here's kind of a threefer...


...my Doctor tells me that it's not uncommon to get an erection and ejaculate during a prostate exam...

...but I still wish he wouldn't.

...while I was getting undressed for the procedure, I asked him where I should put my pants...

"Over there, next to mine" he replied.

...after the "examination", the Doctor left the room as the nurse walked in, and she said those three little word you never want to hear as a patient...

"Who was that?"

[kopfjäger]

 

[stopintime]

A classic 

[Jaman]

A Mom was cleaning her 12-year old son's room...

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asks her husband "What should we do??!!"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fukn spank him."

[ducpainter]

Mike gets off work and is walking to his car. On the way he encounters a homeless man that asks him for some money so he can buy dinner that night.
Mike gets his wallet out but then pauses.
"How do I know you're not just going to go buy beer with this money?", he asks.
The homeless man replies, "I quit drinking over 20 years ago, haven't had a sip since."
Mike then says, "You know, it might be a better idea to buy some fishing gear with this money rather than food, that way it can continue to feed you."
The homeless man says, "I quit fishing several years ago. I simply don't have the time for it, I spend all of my time attempting to survive."
"What about buying some hunting equipment then?", Mike asks.
"I gave that up a few years ago too, don't hunt at all anymore."
Mike says, "I'll tell you what. I'm going to take you to my home where you can have a nice hot shower and then enjoy a delicious home cooked meal prepared by my wife."
The homeless man is elated. "That is so very fantastic of you! Thank you so much!" Then his brow furrows as he thinks of something. "Wait a minute. Aren't you worried that your wife will be really upset with you for inviting a homeless guy into your home without talking with her first?" he asks nervously.
"Don't you worry at all about that.", Mike replies. "Its much more important that she sees what happens to a man after he quits drinking, fishing, and hunting!"

[Speedbag]