DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

Three guys are on a boat with four cigarettes, but they don't have any matches or lighters.

What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

[Jaman]

A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

 The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained  consciousness.
 
 Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up  on the Thruway.
 
 You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but  your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
 The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in  insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to  build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.
 
 It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor  says,” You must decide how many inches you want.
 
 But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
 
 If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she  might be a bit put out.
 
 If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important  that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the  next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes"  says the man.
 
 "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

 "We're getting granite countertops."

[ducpainter]

 

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[stopintime]

Fair enough 

[Randimus Maximus]

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looked at him and said, “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working,” replied the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaimed the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” said the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” said the barman as he pulled the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explained the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman couldn’t believe the duck and wanted to learn more but took the hint when the duck pulled a newspaper from his bag and proceeded to read it.

The duck read his paper, drank his beer, ate his sandwich, paid up, bid the barman a good day and left.

The same thing happened every few days for two weeks.

Then one day the circus came to town.

The ringmaster walked into the pub for a pint and the barman said, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

The next day when the duck came into the pub the barman said, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” said the duck. "Where is it?”

"At the circus.” said the barman.

"The circus?" repeated the duck.

"That's right.” replied the barman.

"The circus?” the duck asked again.
“With the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replied.

"With all the animals that live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" asked the duck.

"Of course,” the barman replied.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persisted the duck.

"That's right.” said the barman.

The duck shook his head in amazement, and said “What the make the beast with two backs would they want with a plasterer?”

[Randimus Maximus]

Late one night I was driving down the highway at 70 mph, smoking a cigarette and singing along with the music, when this motorcycle pulled up alongside me and the rider gestured at me to roll the down the window so I did.

He leaned his head in and I noticed he had a cigarette between his lips and he said,  "Hey, could you give me a light?"

"Are you trying to make the beast with two backsing kill yourself?” I screamed.

He shrugged and said, “It's all right, I'm down to ten a day now.”

[Randimus Maximus]

One Sunday a pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A woman stood up and walked to the podium.
 
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

There were muffled gasps from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up walked slowly to the podium and said, “I’m Tom."

The congregation sat completely silent as if mesmerized, waiting for what Tom had to say.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[ducpainter]

One Sunday a pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A woman stood up and walked to the podium.
 
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

There were muffled gasps from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up walked slowly to the podium and said, “I’m Tom."

The congregation sat completely silent as if mesmerized, waiting for what Tom had to say.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Howie]

Great joke!

[Randimus Maximus]

Note: these have been from the same Twitter account. Not sure where/how they come up with them.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the Churchill Downs to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, the girls went with one teacher and the boys went  with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to stare, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh but I appreciate your help."

[ducpainter]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were

alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM

NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A nine-year-old boy came inside  and asked, "Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"

Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."

"Oh, okay,,” he said and he went back to play with his friends.

A few minutes later he returned,  saying angrily, "Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds  and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you."