DMF joke thread

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

There was a Scotsman, an Englishman, and Scarlett Johansson sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Wales.

Suddenly, the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Scarlett Johansson and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish guy must have kissed Scarlett Johansson and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Scarlett Johansson was thinking: 'The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

+1

[ducpainter]

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

An American goes to Mexico on business. From his hotel room, he hears the shouting of excited fans from the bullring across the street. That evening, he has a meal in the hotel dining room.

As he is finishing, he notices waiters arriving at a nearby table &, with great dignity, setting before a well-dressed gentleman a huge dish of savory meat & vegetables. The American can smell the alluring dish from where he is sitting.

He summons the maitre d’ & says, “I will be here for a week and tomorrow I’d like to order what that fellow is feasting on. What is it called, may I ask?”

The maitre d’ makes a sorrowful face & explains:

“I am so sorry, senor, but that is a very special dish that we can serve only once per week, after the day of the bullfighting The key ingredient is obtained by special arrangement. It is, mmm…a lavish stew based on the private parts of the slain bull.”

“Oh, what a pity,” said the American. “I’d like to try that. It looks & smells absolutely fabulous.”

Then the guest brightened.

“Say, I’ll still be here for next week’s bullfight. Can I order ahead?”

Again the maitre d’ looked sorrowful.

“Alas, that dish is so popular that we are booked ahead for many months.”

“Well, I have to return to Mexico every few months & can pretty much set my own schedule,” the disappointed gourmet responded. “When is your next available opening?”

The maitre d’ opened a massive calendar book & searched a few moments. An opening was found & scheduled. The happy guest went back to his room, anticipating his return almost a year later.

It seemed forever, but eventually the day came. The American sat at the dining room’s best table & was served all the preliminaries graciously. Finally the coveted entre arrived. It smelled & tasted every bit as delicious as he expected, just like what he had dreamed of for a year. Except for one aspect.

“Thank you, ever so much,” he told the maitre d’. ”This is everything I dreamed of. The flavor, the aroma, the presentation — everything 5-star! I do have one question. Not a complaint. Just wondering. Maybe it’s just my faulty memory, but as I recall, the entre last year looked much larger.”

The obviously embarrassed maitre d’ shrugged & said:

“Well, senor, sometimes the bull wins.”

[ducpainter]

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."

Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow! How come ?”remarked Dolly.

"Very simple solution... I don't sign the check!"

[ducpainter]

One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?”

“But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked.

“Have them fill out the intake sheet,” Peter said, pointing to his lectern. “I gotta run — ‘bye!”

“But —“ Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. “Welcome to Heaven, sir!” he said.

The old man stared. “Heaven — is it true? I’m in Heaven?” he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!”

Jesus helped him to his feet and said, “I’ll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?”

“I was a carpenter,” the old man replied.

Jesus was struck by the coincidence, but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. “About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he’s here already, is that correct?”

“Well, I don’t know for sure,” the old man said. “We went our separate ways a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good son, so I know that if he died, he’ll be here.”

Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, “If he is here, we’ll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?” To which the old man replied, “Oh, he’ll be easy for you to recognize: he has nail holes in his hands and feet.”

Carpenter, good man, dead son, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, held out his hands, and cried, “Papa!!!”

And the old man, tears in his own eyes, held out his hands and cried, “Pinocchio!!!”

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender he had a hidden talent.

Guy: I can sing out of my ass.

Bartender: That’s impossible.

Guy: How about a bet? If I can sing out of my ass you give me free drinks all night.

The bartender agreed to the bet.

The guy proceeded to pull down his pants and crapped all over the floor.

Bartender: What the make the beast with two backs are you doing?

Guy: Clearing my throat.

[ducpainter]

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.

As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.

he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.

“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

[Randimus Maximus]

An attractive woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asked if she’d like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap, so politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.

But the lawyer was persistent. “Aw, come on, it’s easy and a lot of fun. I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you’ll pay me $5.00 and vice versa.”

Again she declined.

The lawyer said, “Okay, how’s this? If you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $500.”

The woman figured there would be no end to this until she gave in and played the game so she said she would.

The lawyer asked the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The woman didn’t say a word; she just reached into her purse, pulled out a $5.00 bill and handed it to the lawyer.

“Okay” the lawyer said. “Your turn.”

She said, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer, puzzled, took out his laptop, searched all his references and found no answer.

He tapped into the air phone with his modem and searched the net and the Library of Congress.

Still no answer.

Frustrated, he sent e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he woke the woman and handed her $500.

“Thank you,” she said and turned away to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who was more than a little miffed, woke her up and demanded, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the woman reached into her purse, handed the lawyer another $5 and went back to sleep.

[ducpainter]