DMF joke thread

[sno_duc]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surve illance cameras.


   1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

   2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

   3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

   4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away."

   5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

   6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

   7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

   8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

   9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

   10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

   11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

   12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

   13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
 
   14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

   And last, but not least.

   15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

   Regards,
   Tom Richards
   Wal-Mart Manager

[Qfactor]

There is a large group of people gathered in a room waiting for a well known speaker who will be speaking about ghosts and their presence in our lives. The speaker finally arrives and the room gets very quiet. He begins talking about ghosts and his experiences and the audience is in complete silence. He shares his stories, his encounter his theories. Everything he knows and has experienced about ghosts gets brought up. He goes on and on for a couple hours talking and talking without a single peep from the audience the whole time.

As he wraps up his presentation he tells his audience that it is now their turn.

He starts by asking some questions.

Speaker: How many of you out there have seen a ghost at some point in your lives..If so please raise your hand.
Audience: Most of the room raises their hands.
Speaker: That’s simply amazing!! See ghosts really are a part of our lives and some people live with them everyday. They can be seen anywhere if your one of the lucky ones. And you folks should consider yourselves very lucky to be graced by such a presence.

Speaker: How many of you have had a conversation with a ghost?
Audience: About 35% of the audience raises their hands including an elderly man in the back of the room.
Speaker: Folks I want you all to understand this is perfectly normal. Most folks that have seen a ghost in their lifetime will also have a conversation with them if given the opportunity. For those of you that have I want you all to feel blessed by this. It is rare to see a ghost and even more rare to be able to talk with one. Hold on to these memories.

Speaker: Now how many of you have physically felt or touched a ghost? Please raise your hands.
Audience: About 5% of the audience raises their hands, including an elderly man in the back of the room. At this point the speaker notices the old man, and a lot of folks begin talking and looking around to see who of those around them have touched a ghost….Some folks are in disbelief and the crowd starts talking amongst each other about their experiences and waiting to hear about others experiences…Most people are just in awe of those that have touched a ghost..After a few minutes of this and the audience sharing stories the speaker then says…
Speaker: You see folks our experience with ghosts isn’t just about seeing them. Sometimes we get to experience a much deeper connection with these ghosts. Those of you that have had this wonderful connection be very grateful as this is not something a lot of folks get to experience in their lives. When these moments occur cherish them.

The crowd is still buzzing and the speaker says….

Speaker: Now let me ask you all one last question.
How many of you have had a physical relationship involving sexual intercourse with a ghost?

At this point the audience falls deathly silent and the speaker just stands there in utter disbelief as the elderly man in the back of the room slowly raises his hand.

The speaker at this point is just dumbfounded and looks around the room not knowing what to do or say, but says.

Speaker: Sir you mean to tell me you have actually had sexual intercourse with a ghost??? Please tell us all more!

At this point the old man in the back of the room looks at the speaker and says .....Ghost?? I thought you said Goat!

Q

[ryandalling]

Bump.... I need more humor today... the office is slow.

[GAAN]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your
ears.’

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.

Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming….

that was me.’

[Rameses]

 

[ryandalling]

That joke was so funny... my wife laughed at it.   

[Porsche Monkey]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the proposed nationalized health bill:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing..
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.




No political debate please

[MonsterMI]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?"

[r_ciao]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
> Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> One mood all the time.
> Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
> Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
> You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
> You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
> No wonder men are happier.


Ciao!

[Autostrada Pilot]

A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants walks into a bar.....

Bartender: "Why do you have steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

Pirate: "Aaarrrggghhhh, it's driving me nuts."

[Desmostro]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.


She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How
much will you charge me?'


Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'


The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'


He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'


The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'


Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
 'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
 two coats.'

 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
 to her along with a ten dollar tip.

 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[Monsterlover]

[Pakhan]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light Brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a Computer magazine. He  immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's  window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting A pullover sweater."
 
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's Lane... And  nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
 

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
 
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11  minutes.

[sugarcrook]

It's Halloween and Timmy is dressed up as a pirate.  Knocking on a neighbor's door, the elderly woman says, "Oh, a pirate!  How cute.  Where are your buccaneers?" 

"They're under my buc'n hat, lady." 

[Gator]

An ugly man walks into his local bar one night with a big grin on his face. "you look happy" says the barman. The ugly guy replies "well you know I walks home across the railway tracks? well, last night I left here and as I'm crossing the tracks I sees a woman tied to the rails, like in one of them old films, so I unties her and took her back to my place, what a night, we did everything, her on top, me on top, from behind, everything, it was brilliant"
The bar man says "you lucky old sod, was she nice looking?" "Oh I dunno, I didn't find the head".