DMF joke thread

[stopintime]

[somegirl]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[Monsterlover]

Nice

[akmnstr]

I'm hitting on Texas A&M again.  It's okay, about 1/4 of may family went there and knowing them, I believe these stories.

There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."

The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."

The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"


A University of Texas graduate and an Aggie are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.  The Aggie bets the University of Texas graduate $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.  "I'll take that bet," the teasip replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building.  The Aggie, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the University of Texas graduate and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the teasip replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The Aggie, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the University of Texas graduate replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Bun-bun]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
he sits down and puts the bag on the bar.
the bartender comes down and asks "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man about nine inches tall.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a little piano.
Again he reaches in, and pulls out a small piano stool, placing it in front of the piano.
The little man sits down and starts playing a beautiful Mozart concerto.
The amazed bartender says "Where did you get that?"
The man reaches into the bag again, and pulls out a lamp.
"Here, rub it." The bartender rubs the lamp, and a gorgeous genie appears
"I will grant you one wish. Only one."
The bartender gets excited and says "I want a million bucks!"
The genie vanishes. A minute later a duck walks into the bar.
Another duck follows, then another and another. Before long the bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender looks at the customer and says "I think your genie is a little deaf, I said I wanted a million bucks!"
The customer looks at him and says "No shit! Do you really think I asked for a nine inch pianist?"

[junior varsity]

bahahaha

[tcspeedfreak]

 

[Buckethead]

Same joke, but instead of a little guy who plays piano, the guy lights up with the biggest cigarette lighter the bartender has ever seen.

Ducks ensue.

"You really think I asked for a 9" Bic?"

[r_ciao]

Jose  Cuervo Christmas  Cookies

1  cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of  sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large  eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle  Jose Cuervo  Tequila

Sample  the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check  the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest  quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on  the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add  one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's  best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try  another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer  thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and  chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the  frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the  turner.

If  the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it  loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to  check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your  nuts.
 
Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.

Greash the  oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to  fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the  turner.

Finally,  throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose  Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the  wishdasher.

Cherry  Mistmas !

Ciao!

[r_ciao]

New Car Launch
For the car “buffs” amongst you!!
 
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." 
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Ciao!

[Jaman]

I was in this restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farting with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....


Then I suddenly realized that I was listening to my iPod.

[sno_duc]

A few derbies, but still funny.

>The  Philosophy of Ambiguity
>
>FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS
>THE  IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
>
>
>
>Please enjoy and understand the following
>
>1.  DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
>
>2.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
>
>3.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
>
>4.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE
>MONKEYS AND APES?
>
>5.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
>ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>
>6.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE
>SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>
>7.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
>
>8.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS
>HANDS WITH SOAP?
>
>9.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
>HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>
>10.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
>
>11.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
>
>12.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
>ENDANGERED PLANT?
>
>13.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
>
>14.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
>
>15.  WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID
>SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
>
>16.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
>
>17.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>
>18.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT
>TO REMAIN SILENT?
>
>19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>
>20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
>
>21.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
>
>22.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
>
>23.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
>
>24.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
>
>25.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
>
>26.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
>
>27.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
>
>28.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
>
>29.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
>
>30.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
>
>31.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
>
>32.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
>33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
>BECOME DISORIENTED?
>
>34.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

[tcspeedfreak]

The gorilla and the redneck:


 A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

 Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult
 to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
 The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
 available.


 Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,  a
 redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby
 Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to
 satisfy a female of any species.

 The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
 approached
 with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for
 $500.00?

 Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
 over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their
 offer, but only under five conditions:

 "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The
 Keeper
 quickly agreed to this condition.

 "Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The
 Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


 "Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper
 again readily agreed to this condition.

 "Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
 Baptist." Once again it was agreed.


 "And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the
 $500.00."

[Desert Dust]

"y'all" is not singular.    yankees.

A waitress in Florida once asked me, "Did y'all enjoy your grouper?"

I looked around to see who else was eating grouper.   

[mstevens]

Texas is obviously not the South, but I've occasionally heard "y'all" used in the singular by natives. The same people use "all y'all" when addressing a group.