DMF joke thread

[red baron]

The Blind
Bunny









 




One morning
a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a
large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
nose.




 




'Oh please
excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm
blind and can't see.'




 




'That's
perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way, what kind of animal are
you?'




 




'Well, I
really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself. Maybe you could examine me and find
out.'




 




So the snake
felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,
and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny
rabbit!'




 




The bunny
said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal
are you?'




 




The snake
replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what
kind of an animal am I?'




 




The bunny
had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're
slippery, and you haven't got any balls..You must be a
POLITICIAN'

[red baron]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Imram Singh entered the fourth grade.

The  teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said  'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except  for Imram, who had his
Hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he  said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the  People, for the People,
Shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no  response except from Imram.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Imram.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Imram, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'make the beast with two backs the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Imram put his hand  up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back  said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right!  Now, who said that?'

Again, Imram says, 'George Bush to the  Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yells,  'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Imram jumps out of his chair waving his  hand and shouts to the
Teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,  1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you  say
Anything else, I'll kill you.'

Imram frantically yells at  the top of his voice, ' Michael
Jackson to the child witnesses testifying  against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around  the teacher on
The floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're make the beast with two backsed!'

And Imram said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq,  2007.'

[DaniD]

Little Bruce & Jenny


 Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are
 in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
 goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

 Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
 in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

 Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well
 Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

 Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In
 Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

 Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

 Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny gets five bucks a
 week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
 should do us just fine.'

 Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well
 Bruce, it seems like you have everything
 figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of
 you should have little ones of your own?'

 Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

 Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Jobu]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
 
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat
ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

[TiNi]

 

[metallimonster]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation. 
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,  'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
 

[Jobu]

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry.
 
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis

The drunk answered,


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[DaniD]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
 
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
 
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he  Hears,
 
 "Ribbit 9 Iron."
 
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 
 
 Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
 
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
 
Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
 
 He is shocked. 
 
 He says to the frog,
 
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies,
 
 "Ribbit lucky frog."
 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?"  The man asks.
 
 "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. 
 
 The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
 
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
 
 The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
 
 Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should Bet?"
 
 The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
 
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
 
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit kiss me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
 
With a kiss,  the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
 
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." 

[Porsche Monkey]

That's not funny. Same thing happened to a friend of mine.

[DaniD]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and father shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[brix821]

What is Snoop Dogg doing to reduce his carbon footprint?








He switched all of his caddies over to bio dizzle!!!

[DCXCV]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh m y goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the make the beast with two backsin' sheet rock.”

[toaster]

Two guys are drinking in a bar at the top of the empire state building.
One guy looks to the other and says "the air current between these buildings is so great that you can jump out the window and the wind will blow you back into the building at the 8th floor."
Not believing this, the second guy says "Prove it!"
The first guy jumps out the window, falls almost to the ground and gets blown back up to the 8th floor window.  He comes back in and says to the second guy "I told you it works" but the second guy doesnt believe him and says to do it again.
The first guy jumps out the window again and sure enough, gets blown back up to the 8th floor window.  When he returns to the bar the second guy decides to give it a try.  He jumps out the window and falls... falls... falls until splat, right on the pavement below.
The bartender looks at the first guy and says "Youre a real a$$hole when youre drunk, Superman!"

[Hank]

A man asks his wife, "Can I cum in your ear?"
The wife says, "Hell no!  I'll go deaf!"
The husband replies, "Bullshit!  I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the f*ck up!"

[Popeye the Sailor]

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot girls come over to your car as you are
packing your shopping into it. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th
& 24th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each