DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

That 'cracked' me right the make the beast with two backs up. 

[sno_duc]

For DP

Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
 
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
 
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
 
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
 
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
 
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
 
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
 Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.
 

[zooom]

why were Adam and Eve happy in Paradise?




no mother in laws!

[Randimus Maximus]

Stolen from Facebook:

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

[jaxduc]

Nice

[Ddan]

[brle7817]

Having just watched the finale for The Walking Dead, I'm reminded of this little gem:


Let's eat Grandma!



...



Let's eat, Grandma!







Commas save lives.

[Oldfisti]

^^^   

[Jaman]

not a "joke" per se, but funny stuff nonetheless (and words of wisdom to live by)

ARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
 
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks .
 
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
 
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a IZ_ memory.
 
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
 
Finally:
 
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Skybarney]

Three mice sitting at a bar doing shots:

First mouse tosses back a shot and looks at the other two mice and says "Ya know I am so tough I steal cheese right outta mousetraps".

Second mouse tosses back a shot and looks at the other two mice and says "Bah that ain't nothing.  "I chop up rat poison and sniff it up like cocaine"

Third mouse tosses back a shot and looks at the other two mice and and saying nothing, gets up from the stool and heads for the door.  The other two mouse say "where you going?"

Third mouse looks backs and says "Sorry fellas, I gotta go home and screw the cat".............................

[fastwin]

 

[Billyzoom]

16 years ago my son said:


"Dad, what did the dinosaur say when he farted?"

"I don't know, Trevor.  What did he say?"

"He said 'Sorry, I'm exSTINKt.'"


I've never been more proud.  He was maybe 5 or 6, and it was his first made up joke that worked.  The fact that he included a fart and a pun were icing on the cake.

[fastwin]

A cow, a pig and a chicken go into a Bar-B-Que restaurant.









End of story.

[Desert Dust]

 

[Howie]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled  each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard  drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You  got  Male