DMF joke thread

[the_Journeyman]

Lol Howie!

JM

[dolci]

 

[Buckethead]

Heard a good one over the weekend and figured I'd share it:

There's a statue of two lovers kissing in a park in Paris that's been there for over a century.

The archangel Gabriel starts feeling a little romantic one day and heads down to the park. He taps the statue with his hand and suddenly the couple become real.

"You two have been paragons of true love here for the last 150 years. As a reward for your undying fidelity to one another, I'm granting you 10 minutes to be real people. You may do whatever you want, but at the end of 10 minutes, you'll be turned back into a statue to resume your kiss."

The couple quickly sneak off into the bushes. There's a bunch of rustling and a grunt or two, and about 5 minutes late the couple emerge from the bushes smiling and disheveled.

"Back so soon?" Gabriel asks. "You're still got another 5 minutes. Don't you think you should take full advantage of the opportunity?"

The couple look at each other and smile. As they're headed back into the bushes, Gabriel overhears the young man say "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down so YOU can shit on its head!"

[ducpainter]

I have to admit...

I lol'd

[jaxduc]

I dont get it.
But im reeeealy drunk so...

[Desert Dust]

I dont get it.
But im reeeealy drunk so...

I have to admit, the punch-line slipped by me at first,  but then I thought........revenge of the statues

[Howie]

Guess you guys don't live in the city

[Desert Dust]

Don't live in the city, but we have plenty of pigeons, just not too many statues.

[Howie]

A True Story About A Medical School Entrance Exam!

A friend of mine was intent on going to medical school. The entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was: “Rearrange the letters ( P N E S I ) to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect”.

Those who spelled “SPINE” became doctors…

The rest ended up in Congress…

[zooom]

New definition for S.O.S.



A C-130H was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the 130 pilot, 'watch
this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb..

He then finished with a sonic boom as he
broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the 130 pilot what he
thought of that?


The 130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but
watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes
and then the 130 pilot came back on and
said:

'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck
did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the
back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and
a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash
may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad
thing!

Us older folks understand this
one, it's called

S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter

[Ddan]

[fastwin]

 

I like the SOS joke too!!

[The Mad King Pepe']

I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this:

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
 
Don't thank me, I do this as a public service for the advancement of science.
FYI: I did not run this through Snopes, but I got it from a friend that I totally trust.

[Jaman]

prolly a derby, but still funny...


A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[ungeheuer]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir."

The driver says, "Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls... "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did"

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "F...k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!!"

The officer frowns and says, "....And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?!!!!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"





I love this part.... :







"Only when he's drunk".