DMF joke thread

[ungeheuer]

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

[DarkMonster620]

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

Bazinga !!!

[ungeheuer]

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  A fish.

[jjjrules]

Chicken walks into the library, jumps up on the front counter and says to the librarian "book, book book book"

Librarian thinks for a while then goes what the heck and gives the chicken a book.

Chicken tucks the book under it's wing and goes back out the front door.

10 minutes later the chicken is back with the book - throws it on the counter and says to the librarian "book, book book book"

Librarian's gettin a bit peeved by all this but decides to give the chicken another chance and gives it a different book.

Chicken tucks the book under it's wing and goes back out the front door.

Much to the librarians complete surprise 10 minutes later the chicken is back with the book - throws it on the counter and says to the librarian "book, book book book"

Curiosity now overcomes the librarians annoyance so she gives the chicken another book and decides to follow him

Chicken goes out the front door, over the road and straight into the park on the opposite side with the librarian in hot pursuit

After 5 minutes of following the chicken they both come to a pond in the middle of the park and in the middle of the pond is a pig fat frog sitting on an enormous lilly pad.

Chicken swims out to the frog with the book still under its wing and when it reaches the lilly pad throws the book in front of the frog and say "book, book book book"

Frog says

I think you might know.......................





"Read it, Read it"

[ungeheuer]

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

[Buckethead]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?






A stick.

[The Mad King Pepe']

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on two bar stools.
 
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're just joined at the hip.  I'm John, he's Jim.  Two Molson drafts, please."
 
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.  "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
 
"Off to England next month," says John.  "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.  Don't we, Jim?"
Jim nods.
 
"Ah, England!" says the bartender.  "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
 
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.  "Hamburgers and Molson's, that's us, eh Jim?  Besides, we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
 
"So why keep going back to England?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[kopfjäger]

A Bear walks into a bar, the bartender says 'What can I get you?' The Bear says I'll have a beer and
















































A shot. The bartender says, 'What's with the long pause.'

[ungeheuer]

"So why keep going back to England?" asks the bartender.
 
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Jim should get a better travel agent.  There are lots of places where Jim could get to drive and yet not have to endure the Englanders 

Ireland.
Isle of Man.
Guernsey.
Jersey.
Malta.
Cyprus.
Australia.
Bahamas.
Brunei.
Barbados.
Hong Kong.
Jamaica.
Singapore.
New Zealand.
India.
Bangladesh.
Pakistan.
Sri Lanka.
Malaysia.
Republic of Mauritius.
South Africa.
Trinidad & Tobago.
Thailand.
Indonesia.
Bhutan.
Nepal.
Macau.
East Timor.
Japan.
Falkland Islands.
Guyana.
Surinam.

 

[ungeheuer]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

[Desert Dust]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

How many beers would Dewey order?

[DarkMonster620]

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He woundered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "that’s what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let’s see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said "Let’s see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that’s right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said "Let’s see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Monsterlover]

[Oldfisti]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

 

[Oldfisti]

Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs.......phone rings, but if I answer the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask her she always says "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the road. Anyway, I have never raised the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and this time I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my BMW R 1150 GS motor bike next to the garage and then hide behind it so i could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
Additional Details
It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take the bike back to the dealer?