DMF joke thread

[DarkMonster620]

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman.
Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep. But for the third time, there is a knock at the door and there he is again -- fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again they ravish one another.

As they're basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, "You mean I was here already?"

[Oldfisti]

^^  Zing!   

[ungeheuer]

How many beers would Dewey order?

I dunno.  Who's Dewey? (I'm an alien remember)

[Desert Dust]

I dunno.  Who's Dewey? (I'm an alien remember)

Well here in America they been tellin' me since 3rd grade that I'd need to know Dewey's decimal system & the metric system because the entire world would soon convert to the metric system.

Dewey would probably order a litre of beer. 

[spolic]

Jim should get a better travel agent.  There are lots of places where Jim could get to drive and yet not have to endure the Englanders 

Ireland.
Isle of Man.
Guernsey.
Jersey.
Malta.
Cyprus.
Australia.
Bahamas.
Brunei.
Barbados.
Hong Kong.
Jamaica.
Singapore.
New Zealand.
India.
Bangladesh.
Pakistan.
Sri Lanka.
Malaysia.
Republic of Mauritius.
South Africa.
Trinidad & Tobago.
Thailand.
Indonesia.
Bhutan.
Nepal.
Macau.
East Timor.
Japan.
Falkland Islands.
Guyana.
Surinam.

 

And sometimes Spokane WA.  We have a lot of people that turn the wrong way on our one way streets.

[DarkMonster620]

^^  Zing!   

Isn't alzheimer a blessing sometimes?

[DarkMonster620]

[ducpainter]

Job Interview


Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[Monsterlover]

[kopfjäger]

 

[ungeheuer]

+

[DarkMonster620]

Job Interview


Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man: "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

you sound like me . . 

[Stella]

This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”





Sorry.  This is why I never post in here.   

[jjjrules]

A guy goes to the proctologist with a very embarrassing complaint - every time he farts it sounds like it's saying "Honda" loud and proud!

He explains his predicament to the proctologist and, having prepared for his visit by eating cabbage and beans the night before, even gives him a demonstration - sure enough as he huffs and puffs to crank one out the unmistakable sound comes emanating  from his rear end:

"HONDA" "HONDA HONDA HONDA"

Now this is one very experienced arse man and he tells his poor patient that he thinks he might know what it is. He asks him to go behind the screen, drop his pants and bend over so he can have a look.

Immediately the proctologist can see an enormous abscess has formed and partially covered the mans poop shoot. The proctologist proudly announces his discovery and our patient, bewildered, ask how can an abscess cause such an unfortunate symptom?

The proctologist says "Didn't you know Abscess makes the Fart go Honda?"

[Langanobob]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

 After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless."

 Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

 Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get make the beast with two backsed."