DMF joke thread

[Zaster]

Funny  Is that why chicks like to be on Harleys?

[DarkMonster620]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer:

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.

“That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[DarkMonster620]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-pregnant dog who ran over my FROG!"

[ducpainter]

 

[fastwin]

I like a story with an elaborate plot. ... and sneaky kids.

[koko64]

Here's an old Aussie joke (if Ung's already told it I'm sorry). There may be other countries versions of it. Here goes..

Three guys at the bar, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie.
Boasting of their sexual prowess with their wives, Luigi says, "When I make love to Maria, I first rub olive oil all over her writhing body then make love to her and she comes so hard she levitates off the bed!".

 Well Pierre says, " When I make love to Fifi, first I pour Champagne all over her quivering body, then I lick it off before making love to her, and she is in such ecstacy she levitates off the bed!"

Not to be outdone, Bruce the Aussie says, "well I hop onto the missus, give her a root, hop off, then wipe my dick on the curtains, and she bloody hits the roof!"

[Two dogs]

Australian foreplay :







You awake ?

[ungeheuer]

 

[fastwin]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ungeheuer]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
 
Paul the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.  But he knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.  Regardless, he had to try.

One day Paul revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Paul to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
 
Without pause, Paul readily agreed to the scheme.  And the next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Paul the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
 
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Paul to their chambers..  Horatio then slipped Paul the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Paul worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Paul left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
 
Upon returning to his chamber, Paul found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Paul couldn't have cared less... knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King... and with a laugh told Horatio to get lost.
 
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Paul . . .

[DarkMonster620]

 

[DarkMonster620]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[Desert Dust]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

[ungeheuer]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”