DMF joke thread

[Zaster]

Thought you would enjoy this one - think I have actually been to some of these places in the past, just can't remember when or exactly how I got there!

MY INCONCLUSIVE TRAVEL PLANS

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least

one unstable person. My job is done! You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is short. Smile while you still have your teeth."

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!
 


 

[DarkMonster620]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best pregnant dog with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's pregnant dog."

[DarkMonster620]

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted."

[ducpainter]

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire?

[kopfjäger]

 

[fastwin]

I'll try and remember to use a version of that test on my teenager and his friends.

[Jaman]

    A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

    As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

    In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
 
    The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

    He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

[ducpainter]

 

[fastwin]

I think that's a derby. But it's so damn funny it gets derby bonus points!!

[DarkMonster620]

[DarkMonster620]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What are you doing?”
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?”
She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.”

[Skybarney]

Remember back when they busted OJ Simpson for the burglaries?  Apparently his attorneys were so convinced he was going to get prison time that they tried a a tactic to make it easier on him.  Apparently they told him going to prison would be just like being a Quarterback again.  When he got to prison there would still be a lot of large men opening holes for him......

[kopfjäger]

Remember back when they busted OJ Simpson for the burglaries?  Apparently his attorneys were so convinced he was going to get prison time that they tried a a tactic to make it easier on him.  Apparently they told him going to prison would be just like being a Quarterback again.  When he got to prison there would still be a lot of large men opening holes for him......

Quarterback? 

[Desert Dust]

Quarterback? 

Correct. Here's a picture of him getting ready to launch a long-ball.

[Zaster]

Husband Store:

 A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
 She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.
 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
 She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 PLEASE NOTE:
 To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

 The first floor has wives that love sex.

 The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

 The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited