DMF joke thread

[Oldfisti]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

[sno_duc]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.


I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some  with it instead of dinner?"


"No, I had to stop  years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go  instead of buying food?" I asked.


"No, I don't waste time  ," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on  ?" I asked.


"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had  in 20 years!"


"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."


The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?


I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up  ,  and  ."

[fastwin]

  Thanks you made my day! I consider this a Public Service Announcement rather than a joke.

[Monsterlover]

Amazing

[sno_duc]

Olaf Svensen, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick-kick from a cow, right in the crotch. Writhing in pain and agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:  "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, " Olaf , I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together, quite an impressive work of art.
 
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to McIntosh. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: " Olaf , you're the first vun.  No vun has EVER seen deez."













Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!"

[Popeye the Sailor]

Today I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on the elevator this morning minding my own business when this lovely girl entered.
As I was staring at her boobs, she said to me, "Would you please press 1..?" So I did.

Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what
seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start
his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked,

'What the hell is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,'

Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion Roy said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting
her from here.'


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where
Have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a
stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[1.21GW]

Olaf Svensen, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick-kick from a cow, right in the crotch. Writhing in pain and agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:  "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."

The doctor told him, " Olaf , I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together, quite an impressive work of art.
 
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to McIntosh. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: " Olaf , you're the first vun.  No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena, still in DA CRATE!"

 

[fastwin]

Oh yeah, that's good. I love starting my day looking at this thread.

[ducpainter]

THE COW
 
 
 
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
 
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
 
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
 
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
 
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would  move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
 
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
 
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
 
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
 
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
 
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
 
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
 
"My wife is from Wisconsin."

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Monsterlover]

[Oldfisti]

    That was a good one!

[ungeheuer]

Wisconsin, eh.

Noted.

[Popeye the Sailor]

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"





An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!” The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

'Nay', says the Scottish doctor. 'This is the Burns unit'.






A blonde took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." She replied

[ungeheuer]

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

Meh... I dont feel sorry for him one little bit. 

Bloody crododile make the beast with two backsers get what they deserve 

An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race!” The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Laird be thankit.”

The next patient sits up and declaims: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi’ bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi’ murdering prattle!”

“Well,” says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”

'Nay', says the Scottish doctor. 'This is the Burns unit'.