DMF joke thread

[koko64]

 

[Ddan]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

[fastwin]

Great mid-afternoon laugh! Thanks.

[Desert Dust]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

[clap]That's great- with St. Paddy's day a comin'! 

[Monsterlover]

[sno_duc]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.


"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

[Ducatamount]

Good one 

[Ddan]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the Yellow Labrador and said, "So, why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I piss on the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and bushes. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I claw the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I hump anything. I hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her ankles, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[1.21GW]

 

Thanks.  Needed that today.

[ungeheuer]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit  will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

[Oldfisti]

 

[TiNi]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[the_Journeyman]

LoL!!!

JM

[Two dogs]

Marge and John are off too the movies.
They hire a baby sitter too look after the baby.

On their return they hear the sitter in the bathroom and the sound of running water.
On entering the bathroom they see the baby sitter dragging the baby through the water with two fingers
of one hand up its nostrils .
Shocked Marge said "thats no way to give a baby a bath you should cradle the baby in your arms in the water with
one hand while you gently cup water over it with the other".

The baby sister yells



 " make the beast with two backs that have you felt how hot this water is".

[Skybarney]

When Pee Wee Herman got arrested he was accidentally locked up with Jeffrey Dahmer.  Neither enjoyed being locked up much but Jeffrey facing murder charges really want to plan an escape.  One night he wakes up Pee Wee and say "Hey Pee Wee, if I give you a hand do you think you can beat your way out of here?