DMF joke thread

[kopfjäger]

 

[ungeheuer]

Time is like a river.

You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I have never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."  Apparently.... I'm still lost.


   

[Monsterlover]

[ducpainter]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confrinont Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger and you can go to hell."


*DON'T YOU JUST LOVE LAWYERS**?*
 

[koko64]

 

[Monsterlover]

[ungeheuer]

 

[DarkMonster620]

I was asked by the sales monkey what was the difference between the MTS1200S MY2013 and MTS1200S MY2012 . . .

[DarkMonster620]

Nine Thoughts to Ponder
Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
fish in the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn
your rear tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

[Desert Dust]

 

[DarkMonster620]

[SacDuc]

So this premature ejaculator just comes out of nowhere . . .

[Rob Hilding]

So this premature ejaculator just comes out of nowhere . . .

Great one,but needs a rim shot 

[DarkMonster620]

Got it from fb,

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???

[muskrat]

Got it from fb,

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???