DMF joke thread

[Grampa]

 
a fish was swimming upstream and came to a small waterfall, the fish said, if i can swim a little faster and jump a little higher i can continue on with my journey
a bear at the top of the waterfall said, if that fish swims a little faster and jumps a little higher i can catch it and i will have a nice fish dinner
a hunter across the river saw the bear and said if that fish swims a little faster and jumps a little higher, then that bear will go for it and i can shoot the bear and get a nice bear dinner
a mouse on the ground next to the hunter says if that fish will swim a little faster and jump a little higer then the bear will go for it, the hunter will shoot the bear, and i can take the hunters cheese from his sandwich and have a nice cheese dinner
a cat in the tree saw the mouse and said if that fish swims a little faster and jumps a little higher then the bear will go for it, and the hunter will shoot, allowing that mouse to go for the cheese and i will jump down and have a nice mouse dinner
then the fish swam a little faster and jumped a little higer, and the bear caught the fish in mid-air, the hunter shot at the bear, and the mouse came out to get the cheese and just as the cat went to jump from the tree to get the mouse, the limb he was on broke and the cat fell into the water
the moral of this story is it takes a lot of work to get a little wet pussy.

[Howie]

No whip
 
A young couple was making passionate love in the bloke's panel van (you know,
shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl,
being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
 
The bloke not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any
whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off
his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are
starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
 
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
 
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
 
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years
of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
 
 

[Rob Hilding]

 

[Monsterlover]

[koko64]

 

[kopfjäger]

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh.

The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough.

The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied,' 'She choked.''

[Desert Dust]

  Doctor didn't give clear enough instructions!

[stonemaster]

Wino on the Bus

Wino is riding cross town on a city bus, Wino is bout broke, got no alcohol and is jonesin hard, Wino's sitting in the back of the bus and notices a little old lady sittin about 5 or 6 seats in front on him. Every couple of minutes the little old lady takes out a half pint sized bottle and puts it up to her mouth and quickly returns it to her purse. Wino sees this and thinks DAMN i got to get me some of that, Sooooo Wino edges up seat by seat till finally the guy sittin beside the little old lady gets up and leaves. Wino jumps in the seat, reaches in her purse, snatches out the bottle and kills about half of it. He takes down the bottle and says, My god woman that's the awfullest shit I ever tasted, what was that ? She says, i have tuberculosis and thats my spit up bottle

[Speedbag]

Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids?

When they circumcised him, they used some of the foreskin to construct his eyelids.

He’s a little cock-eyed, but otherwise OK.

[1.21GW]

[stonemaster]

Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids?

When they circumcised him, they used some of the foreskin to construct his eyelids.

He’s a little cock-eyed, but otherwise OK.

so that would make him  a dickhead ?? R R R R R

[Scoober1103]

No, foresighted!

[1.21GW]

No, foresighted!

Well done, sir.

[ungeheuer]

Not all Richards are Dicks.

[Howie]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"  The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."