DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

Nice

[Desert Dust]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"  The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[sno_duc]

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart

 A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them...

·       The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

·       The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"










 










 










 










 










 










 










 Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something
   




 

[Desert Dust]

 

[ducpainter]

 

[Grampa]

Cuz I say so!

[Howie]

 







































































OK, it was funny.

[sno_duc]

Hey, I too have been getting "preapproved' AARP cards in the mail, for years. 
I have ridden bike bikes that were kick start only, on the wrong side, as was the shifter, with a tickler on the carb. 
Remember "Age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Skill.....everytime"

[sno_duc]

The operation

 






The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
 
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
 
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
 
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
 
"Been in the business 60 years!"
 
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
 
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
 
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
 
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
 
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
 
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
 
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
 
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
 
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
 
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
 
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
 
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
 
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
 
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[sno_duc]

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[GK]

👍👍 Lol!
Loved the last 2!

[Desert Dust]

BAD PARROT

A young man received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. The young man tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, the young man was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. The young man shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. In desperation he threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, he quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the young man's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

The young man was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[ducpainter]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[stopintime]

^^^^ Derby, but 



http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg1141099#msg1141099

[Privateer]