DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

Entomologists have discovered an easy way to tell what sex an ant is: Just put it some water & observe.....

If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant


One enterprising member of the Sioux tribe was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others charged. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hardwood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were really just Cheap Sioux Veneers.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

[kopfjäger]

Put the pipe down and step away from your keyboard.

[Popeye the Sailor]

Never!

....statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.

[zach (Slag)]

A man leans over & asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern,
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

“Yes, I remember it well” she says. “OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and lets do it there again, for old times sake?”

“Charlie,- you old devil, -it sounds crazy, but why not?”

A police officer, sitting in the next booth listening to all this, chuckles to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old birds in action.I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, Finally, they get to the back of the tavern, make their way to the fence, the old
lady lifts her skirt & the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious  sex the watching policeman has ever encountered. The action goes on for what seems to be at least 10 minutes.
 
Loud noises, moans, groans, grunts & sighs are emitted from both partners.

Finally, they both collapse on the ground, exhausted.

The policeman is totally amazed. He feels that he has learned something important about life & aging that he couldn’t have imagined. After half an hour of lying there recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet, re-arranges their clothing, and start to leave. The policeman thinks, I’ve got to find out what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says, “Excuse me, I happened to see that, and I must say – it was truly amazing! You must have had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to your ability to perform like that?”

The old man replies, “Well – fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

[sno_duc]

Bravo     

[Popeye the Sailor]

A farmer comes to church and is the only one. The pastor asks if he wants him to conduct the service anyway. The farmer says, "Well, if I brought a load of hay out and only one cow showed up, I'd still feed her."

"Fair enough," says the pastor, and he goes through the whole service, including a long sermon. At the end he asks the farmer how it was.

"Well, if I brought a load of hay out and only one cow came, I wouldn't give her the whole load."




The nativity scene.
A visitor from the North was driving through the South. At the edge of a small town there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One feature puzzled the traveler. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Stopping at a coffee shop nearby he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She said , “Why, honey, it’s raht here in the Bible.”
Pulling her Bible from behind the counter she ruffled through some pages, and finally pointed her finger to a passage.
“See, it says right here, "The three wise man came from afar."

[Popeye the Sailor]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are Seattle-ites. I'm letting them dry out so they'll burn."

[Popeye the Sailor]

An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman all have flies in the drinks at the bar. The Englishman looks disgusted and orders a new one. The Scotchman shrugs and drinks it down. The Irishman picks up the fly and says, "Spit it out, spit it out".


I was attacked by a troupe of mime artists last week. They did unspeakable things to me.


One Sunday morning a preacher gave a great sermon on heaven that had the entire congregation on their feet. He gave the altar call at the end saying "Everyone that wants to go to heaven, come down to the front!" The whole church came forward except one man. Thinking that maybe the man didn't hear him, the preacher gave the invitation again, "If you want to go to heaven come on down to the front!" The man just stood there, so the preacher asked him "Sir, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The man replied "Oh, when I die! I thought you were getting a group ready to go right now!"

[1.21GW]

^^I'm going to use #2.  


I don't get #1.  

[ducpainter]

I don't get #1.  

The Irish don't like sharing their beer.

[1.21GW]

Ooh.

Still like #2 the best.

[Popeye the Sailor]

If i was invisible I'd find a mime and beat them to death to give them that one last, awesome performance.

[ungeheuer]

"The three wise man came from afar."

Eh?  So... what... they weren't from the local fire dept 

[the_Journeyman]

Eh?  So... what... they weren't from the local fire dept 

In some our "southern" pronunciation for the word 'fire' comes out 'far' so the joke that gets passed around every Christmas is the the wisemen must have been firemen because they can from a 'far' instead of how it really reads as coming as afar.

JM

[ungeheuer]

In some our "southern" pronunciation for the word 'fire' comes out 'far' so the joke that gets passed around every Christmas is the the wisemen must have been firemen because they can from a 'far' instead of how it really reads as coming as afar.

JM