DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one make the beast with two backsin' ear."

[Howie]

                                                        Six Truths in Life 

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
 
2. All idiots, after reading it will try it.
 
3. And discover it is a lie.
 
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
 
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
 
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
 
I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.

[ducpainter]

I'm not feeling the sincerity of your apology.

[Popeye the Sailor]

the Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[Popeye the Sailor]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you're welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking! was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked, too! The pregnant dog!"

He turned to the hit man. How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

Sure, what do you want?

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.


"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."





I was at the Olympics watching the events when I saw a gentleman with a long stick, I asked him.

"Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No", he replied. "I'm German, how did you know my name is Walther?"


The Massachusetts Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

MTO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

MTO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"




A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender whats the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "Nah, the steaks are just too high."

[1.21GW]

 

What i love most about satellite smithy joke posts is that the come in groups. 

[ungeheuer]

the Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[koko64]

Thanks for a good laugh fellas, on a rainy day off.

[GK]

^^^
+1

[sno_duc]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.


A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
 "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great  pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.
 
"He has never been known to use a word
that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of  it." - Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a  friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot  possibly attend first night, will  attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in  others." - Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest  Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -  Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather  than  illumination."               
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho Marx

[1.21GW]

[Popeye the Sailor]

Caddie jokes.


Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddie: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Golfer: "Caddie, how would you have played that last shot?"
Caddie: "Under an assumed name.”

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played.”

Caddie: "This isn't the golf course, we left that over an hour ago, sir!"

Golfer: "I've never played this badly before.”
Caddie: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."


Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch, it is annoying."
Caddie: "This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass."

Golfer: "I've played so poorly, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddie: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long.”

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100.”
Caddie: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddie: "The way you play, sir, it's a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”

Caddie: "Eventually.”


Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
Caddie: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence.

[Popeye the Sailor]

Guy gets married to a sweet young thang. Shortly thereafter his ol' man, a retired Swabby with hash marks up above his elbow, has a stroke and has to move in with his son and DIL.

A short while later wifey tells hubby that the ol' man's gotta go. Hubby asks why.

Wifey says, "He must know every dirty song that's ever been written!"

Hubby: "He's not singing those around the house is he?"

"No, but he's humming them."

[kopfjäger]

[Desert Dust]

24?