DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'


The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. ‘Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me..' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?'

Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'

Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his
face.

The Aussie whispers. 'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp

[Monsterlover]

[muskrat]

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
 
The wife told the husband, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a blow job every day for the rest of your life.”  For the results, click on the link.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8   

[kopfjäger]

 

[Popeye the Sailor]

A minister is in town for a convention, and after the first day session he goes back to his hotel room and peruses the Gideon's bible. He then sets it aside and goes down to the lounge, where he strikes up a conversation with the barmaid, and brings her back to his room after her shift

And she's stripping down, she remarks "Should we be doing this? You being a minister and all."

He replies "It's in the bible my child."

So after he's done, and in the shower, she opens the bible and there on the flyleaf is penned the notation "The barmaid puts out!"

[kopfjäger]

 

[kopfjäger]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
 
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
 
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
 
Little boy: "What the make the beast with two backs do you think?"

[Monsterlover]

[Popeye the Sailor]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth".

[DarkMonster620]

[MendoDave]

[DarkMonster620]

[Popeye the Sailor]

A couple drove down the road for several miles not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

[Popeye the Sailor]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop up some water from a highland burn when a gamekeeper bursts out of the heather and shouts "dinnnae drink tha waaater! Et's fool a coos shite and pish!"
To which the man replies "my dear fellow, I'm from England, can you please repeat that in English?".
The keeper yells back "use booth hands, yoou'll spill less tha way"



A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.



A man tries on a suit that he hadn't worn in 25 years and finds a claim slip for a pair of shoe in the pocket. The man wonders if the shoe shop still has his shoes so he goes in and presents the slip to the shoe repairman. In a very irritated voice the repairman says, "Do you expect me to keep a pair of shoes for 25 years?! "It wouldn't hurt you to look," the man says. In a fit of rage, the repairman goes to his back room to look for the shoes and in a little while he yells back to the man out front, "are they a pair of black wing tips?" "Yes that's them," the man answers. Then the repairman says," They'll be ready Thursday."





A guy with a dog walks into a bar in Cleveland. The bartender yells "Hey, you can't bring a dog in here." The guys says "Gimme a break, I'm two hours from home and if I can't watch the Browns game here I'll miss it." About that time the Browns get a field goal. The dog jumps up, claps his front paws in the air, howls, and does a victory dance around the bar. The bartender says "That's pretty good. What does he do when they get a touchdown?" The guy says "I don't know, I've only had him a couple of years."

[Popeye the Sailor]

A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Just great. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."