DMF joke thread

[triangleforge]

Why did the banjo player climb up the chain link fence?


He wanted to see what was on the other side.

I had to read that one twice before I got it - I must be a banjo player.

How do you define perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo and don't hit the sides of the dumpster.

How do you tune a banjo? With a pocket knife.

What's the difference between a banjo and a Harley? You can tune a Harley.

Why are banjo jokes always so simple? So bass players can understand them.

(Disclosure - I've tried a couple of times to learn the banjo, but should probably buy my own; they keep leaving with my exes!)

[Popeye the Sailor]

The Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course the conductor is upset," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

[kopfjäger]

^

[1.21GW]

The Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course the conductor is upset," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

 

[Popeye the Sailor]

[Zaster]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
 . Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
 "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
   
 . New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when  asked about the upcoming season:
 "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
   
 . And, upon  hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
 "I'd run over my  own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
 Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
 "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
   
 . Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
 "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
   
 . Football commentator and  former player Joe Theismann:
 "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
   
 . Senior basketball player at the University of  Pittsburgh :
 "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
 (Now that is beautiful)
   
 
    Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
 "Why would anyone expect him to  come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."
   
 . Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
 "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
   
 . Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
 "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
   
 . Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
 Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
 "My sister's  expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
 (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
   
   
 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
 "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
   
. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
 "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
   

[Popeye the Sailor]

Back in old Arizona, in the early 1800s, there was a nameless town on the Mexico border. One day, a band of outlaws rode into town and walked into the saloon and the main outlaw said to the innkeeper, "Mister, what's the name of this here town?"

The innkeeper said, "Well, we don't rightly have us a name, sir."

The outlaw stroked his mustache and said, "Tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna go out and hide behind that big rock on the edge of town, and we're gonna wait for the next cowpoke that comes along, and we're gonna jump out and bushwhack him! And his dying words are gonna be the name of this here town."

Well, the innkeeper said that sounded like a pretty good idea to him, so the outlaws headed out to the edge of town, hid behind the big rock, and waited. Sure enough, before long a lone cowboy came riding along, and the outlaws jumped up from behind the rock, guns blazing, filled the unfortunate fellow full of lead, and he dropped off his horse and collapsed onto the dusty ground.

The outlaws walked out into the road and stood around the fallen cowboy, looking in to his dying eyes. And he looked back at them as his lights flickered out, and with his dying breath, he cursed:

"You muh..."




Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.



"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."






Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

[Popeye the Sailor]

An anatomy professor is lecturing and is annoyed that the young coed in the front row seems inattentive. Finally, he point to her and says "miss, do you have any idea what your asshole is doing when you have an orgasm?"

She replies " well, usually he's in the garage working on his motorcycle."




A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers,

"May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.

The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."




There are a few of you that remember when service stations had service bays for oil changes car washes & general service work, fixing flats mounting tires & minor tune ups, when you purchased gas,(regular or ethyl) you got your windshield washed, oil & tire inflation checked.----Yes I'm that old & yes Gas was 29.9 a gallon back then---

Bobs Burger Bar was crossed the street next to the Dairy Queen & Bob was a good enough guy, but this one day he drives his 52 Chevy into the bay ,jumps out & hollers as he runs back crossed the street "Change the oil & filter & lub it everything's in the front seat."
Cliff & I begin the task, doing our normal fine job, after all we're a Texaco station & have a reputation to maintain.

Job finished , Cliff leaves to road test Bobs Chevy & returns to Bob crossed the street, after a few minutes Bob crosses the street, comes to me, hands me a bag w/ about 10 hamburgers & says "Tell Cliff I'll never do that again" & leaves

Cliff returns from testing another car & I ask "What's this all about"? pointing to the bag of hamburger's

Cliff's reply, "When I went to test his car, I stopped by the IGA & picked up 2# of hamburger & 2 pks of buns & when I dropped of his car I told him we needed lunch, everything's in the bag "

I learned a lot about the world from Cliff

[Popeye the Sailor]

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.



A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician were at a cafe when across the street two people entered a house. Moments later three people came out. The physicist said, "Hmm, measurement error." The biologist wondered, "Reproduction?" And the mathematician said, "If someone goes into the house, it will be empty again."




There was this fellow who whenever he farted, the resulting noise came out sounding like "honda".
This situation was embarrassing, so he went to the doctor, who had a suspicion of what the disease could be and then sent the man to see a dentist.
The dentist pokes around in his mouth for a while and then declares, "Aha! I see the problem. You have an abscess."
The man then asks the dentist how could a tooth abscess possibly lead to the sound "honda" whenever he breaks air.
The dentist replied, "Ah my good man, did you not know that abscess makes the fart go honda?"

[DarkMonster620]

"Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”


“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.


“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[Popeye the Sailor]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment, the other needs an oinkment.



The officer asked me to step out of my car. "You're Staggering", he said. "You're pretty handsome yourself", I replied.



A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, all my friends say that my leg talks." So the doctor puts his stethoscope to the man's thigh and he hears the leg say "I need money." Then the doctor moves the stethescope to the man's knee and, again, the leg says "I need money." Finally he moves the stethoscope to the ankle and the ankle says "I need money." "I know what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "Your leg is broke in three places.

[DW]

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.  In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.  The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

[ducpainter]

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.  In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.  The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.  They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.  I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

 

[DarkMonster620]

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Popeye the Sailor]

A Mexican magician had a disappearing act where he would vanish in a cloud of smoke on the count of three. His assistant started counting off, "Uno, dos" and POOF! The magician disappeared without a tres.