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Author Topic: DMF joke thread  (Read 443279 times)
MendoDave
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« Reply #1635 on: January 08, 2016, 02:51:33 PM »
Quote from: Satellite smithy on January 08, 2016, 02:47:00 PM

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



 laughingdp
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ducpainter
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DILLIGAF
« Reply #1636 on: January 08, 2016, 03:03:22 PM »
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
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« Reply #1637 on: January 09, 2016, 04:41:02 AM »
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Carlos
I said I was smart, never that I had my shit together
Quote from: ducatiz on March 27, 2014, 07:34:34 AM
Ducati is the pretty girl that can't walk in heels without stumbling. I still love her.
"When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
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« Reply #1638 on: January 10, 2016, 07:37:43 PM »
We all know about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. But did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?


Don't worry; he's fully recovered.
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If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
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« Reply #1639 on: January 10, 2016, 08:18:42 PM »
I wonder if your clumsy upholstery guy worked with the equally clumsy guy who cut off his left side.

But don't worry, he's all right now.
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« Reply #1640 on: January 10, 2016, 08:37:22 PM »
Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation"?... it hasn't come out yet.
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« Reply #1641 on: January 11, 2016, 03:02:32 PM »
A Texas rancher and a New Hampshire farmer were talking shop. "How big is your farm?" asked the Texan.

"Well, my farm is a little over 200 acres," replied the farmer.

"Son," bellowed the Texan, "my ranch is so big that I can get in my truck on one end of it and it takes three days to get to the other end of it!"

"Yeah," said the farmer, "I had a piece of shit truck like that once too."
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« Reply #1642 on: January 11, 2016, 03:05:32 PM »
laughingdp

Nice
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"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST    **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer.  A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman.  A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist."  -Louis Nizer**
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« Reply #1643 on: January 11, 2016, 03:11:53 PM »
Good one Dave!
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
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« Reply #1644 on: January 11, 2016, 03:24:57 PM »
 laughingdp
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“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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« Reply #1645 on: January 14, 2016, 02:37:49 PM »
Lucy was a hooker, who after many years decided to get out of the business and settle down with a nice guy. Since she had spent so many years with every kind of pervert imaginable, she swore to marry only a virgin male who was around her age and took out personal ads in every newspaper around the world, looking for someone around 60 years old. The only reply was from a man in the Australian outback. She flew down under to meet him and shortly thereafter they were married.

On their wedding night she went into the bathroom to change into her slinky lingerie and returned to find that her new hubby had piled all of the furniture into one corner of the hotel room. Thinking something decidedly kinky was about to happen, she said to him, "I thought you had never had sex with a woman before!"

"That's true, love," the old Aussie replied, "but if it's anything like make the beast with two backsing a kangaroo we're gonna need all the room we can get!"
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« Reply #1646 on: January 14, 2016, 02:46:54 PM »
 laughingdp laughingdp laughingdp
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“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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« Reply #1647 on: January 15, 2016, 07:53:46 PM »
laughingdp
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"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST    **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer.  A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman.  A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist."  -Louis Nizer**
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« Reply #1648 on: January 17, 2016, 05:43:28 PM »
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.
 
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
 
The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"
 
The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
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"I believe there are more instances of the abridgment of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations... James Madison
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« Reply #1649 on: January 17, 2016, 05:44:56 PM »
Upon looking into his geometry text book, Humphrey Bogart was heard to exclaim "Here's looking at Euclid."
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If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
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